Not processing My boots My books I'm in my bed I didn't want to put off the drive Ripping off bandaids and running into walls On the ring road, a tanker tried to make a right into the back corner of my Mitsubishi Lancer Because Egypt "But I'm not even suicidal anymore" That would've been a stupid last thought Somehow I have instincts and it just turned into a terrifying crunchy scratch I kept driving Because Egypt And I'm not suicidal anymore Off to Ain Sokhna on Friday Cousin Aly and the Cat are going So I'm definitely staying with Tante in her apartment Fuuuuck that noise I don't know, maybe I'll cough obnoxiously whenever they're close because he's usually smoking and I don't know how else to get away I can hear her yelling "Saaa raaah ket, kitty kyet" Oh god I can stay underwater and drown that's fine too Not suicidal anymore Very inconvenient for Egypt Egypt is very inconvenient for everyone who isn't some kind of Mafia boss I told Baba I'm living in Sahel and he acted like he always supported that plan His nose is okay, three stitches to take out, he's staying out of the sun I wonder if I'll get cancer on my face one day too I don't think that's how it works Nothing in Egypt works The shit they gave Kojak for his papers And the nasty Alexandrian cab driver telling him how much he hated Palestinians. Kojak knows how to speak Egyptian dialect and the driver felt free to rant. Kojak laughed about screaming inside People are disgusting I was wrong, I remembered a time I didn't fake it I should call him I'm too tired, I'll text He just sent me a bunch of penis cartoons, a very eloquent man Tired of Egypt Tired of too many memories in Cairo I know why all the artsy Egyptians are in Berlin now Only 2 years for permanent residency I know why they're not in Munich, suuuper racist In season 2, episode 6 of Sense8, a character says, "I realized I was slowly dying of survival" And I cried And I realized I was crying for her too Ugh I want to move forward I'll renew my stupid Egyptian passport And I'll figure out how to prove that I'm me on my stupid social security card and stupid American passport And explain that Arabs have stupid long names because we write our baba's name then our geddo's (grandpa's) name Then our great geddo's name-- or you skip to the name of the most famous male ancestor My most famous male ancestor happens to be my great geddo so it goes in order, which is satisfying On my social security card it goes Sarah Baba Geddo and on my passport it says First name: Sarah Baba (what the fuck) So when I tried to register myself in San Francisco the nice Filipino lady kept saying "Computer says no" (watch Little Britain if you don't get that reference, it's funny) Then I went to the social security office to see if I could change it And they said I need to go to court And I talked to a lawyer in a library who was giving divorce advice or something and he had no idea how the fuck I exist I think I'll just change my passport name or add "alternative names" or something and see if I get away with that And then register as an adult in California I suppose it doesn't have to be California... Where does my vote matter? How do taxes work? If I become German or Spanish does that mean I'll have four citizenships? Is that even allowed? How the fuck do I exist? I hate German, I can make the French R and U sound And some of the hissing throaty KKKHHH sounds that are close to the Arabic KKKHH sounds But the way they put the sounds together is painful for my mouth I dooo like that they have lots of bread everywhere I didn't know Germans were obsessed with bread Californians are only obsessed with sourdough But Spain is pretty and I can siesta nap on government time and get PTO for endometriosis Pretty women and pretty men and good food and lots of dancing And lots of common words with Arabic because of Andalusian times Lots of common words with Tagalog because of colonial times Hm Maybe Spain And Sahel sometimes for very cheap and beautiful beach places if I'm earning Euros And I can take the train and say hi to the artsies who remember me I don't need Schengen, do I? I don't know, American travelling privileges are confusing I'll grow my hair really long and dress like a 70s hippy with high waisted flared jeans And say "yes I'm 45" "Filipino genes" "Asian don't raisin, black don't crack" I need to visit San Fernando and see mama's house, without getting my organs stolen It's getting bad, first Duterte, the Trump of Asia And now a Marcos?! As in-- people had a revolution and your great grandma has a shoe museum in Hawaii-- MARCOS Kleptocracy MAAARCOS Everything's crazy My life is crazy I left her my strap on that I paid for Why was I paying for things? How did I find the saddest multi-millionaire in Egypt? She's better than the guy with the gun cabinet and the fake French mother who walked into the bedroom purring "Bonjooour" Or the white American girl with an uncanny valley Cajun accent who wanted to move in with me because apparently I gave off sugar mama vibes I don't want to date anymore I want to wait for the winter when everybody leaves the coast and then take a folding chair and my vibrator to the beach and shake looking at the sky with my legs in the water I'll probably end up sleeping with a beach strolling, coastal Bedouin Who is in charge of territory because I can't pick normal people And I'll cause a tribe war or something Maybe I'm cursed? Indian astrologists say I'm cursed Unless I marry a tree and feed some birds I pretend married a tree in college and fed a lot of birds Maybe I need a more official tree marriage ceremony? Maybe I should go to India? I don't want to write a letter to Nour I want to sleep And uber to Kojak and get yelled at at the gym Half Sudanese softboi just texted I just want someone to gently braid my hair and to nap between pillowy boobies I don't want to think, I want to skip to that part of my life, wherever it is |