Day 7 it's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to Don't fall in love with somebody moving away The medication is really cool Makes me feel a bit angry I could've had this chemical cocktail earlier in life and been spared a lot of pain if somebody paid attention Day 5: 29th, first day of meds, I cleaned and cleaned and got my hair done. Baba's family sold land and we came into some money. Nou is helping me invest it in a way that I survive the currency devaluations and inflation. Day 6: My father and my cramps won, I cried but it wasn't as painful as before. My Amazon deliveries for Nou and myself showed up. I did a teary eyed 'haul' over video call with her and pretended to be a youtuber. At night she said she still loves me and I said I still love her but she's still moving and I'm still stuck. But at least we're released from the power dynamic. Day 7: My cramps woke me up. It's my birthday. The only person who has consistently remembered since I was young is Mou. He sent his birthday message. I love him and Saf. I asked Saf, what's married life like? She said, we just want to stay home and watch shows all the time-- and now we can! They're so cute I got Nou some makeup and things. I got a period cup? I don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with it yet It's rainbow coloured, which doesn't matter, it's going to be a crime scene anyway 😅 I got a pill splitter and an orange slice looking pill organizer, makes me happy At some point over the past few days, I made some realizations When my head got quiet I realized I'm a lesbian and not bi. It was comp-het (societal pressure to be closer to heterosexuality). Nou helped me get a Wacom tab because when I saw her friend's art page I cried very bitterly I'll draw and learn how to use krita (which is freeee and developed by a trans lady! so cool! I learned a lot of trans women hide in tech, and they've done and achieved so much but nobody knows it's a thing) Why is the world stupid? Today my is my baba's cousin's daughter's funeral I doubt they'll remember my birthday and I don't feel like reminding them I never met the woman who passed away, my cramps are bad and I don't want to go The Moroccan lady said I should come in early to get a manicure, I'm worried about my cramps, she's right next to my house but I don't know I want to do something happy on my birthday though The panic creeps in at night, and the sounds of the house terrify me again Yesterday I was good, Nou finally had a break from me and could be with her friends without interruption. I got distracted by Saf and Emma (who I have complicated feelings about) I took the melatonin and drank my sleepy tea and said good night to Nou And then some idiot started shooting fireworks because of a wedding, it sounded like gunshots at first and I thought it was war And then it wouldn't stop, it was a whole show The palpitations weren't like before though, just some chest pain and fear but not physically as bad Nou called me and we fell asleep on the phone, it makes me feel safe She makes me feel safe and she deals with me when I'm very dark I'm going to be very sad when she goes but I'll try really hard to get better And I'll try really hard to enjoy her while she's here I want her to be safe too Why is the world so stupid? |