Alienation, not loneliness ^ it's true for most people but I think in my case it's alienation + loneliness got the special alienation because this brain perceives things because of the marginalized identity because while my sister was dating the ambassador's son and my brother was jamming with the conglomerate guys from the club-- I hung out with communists and queers and people from the music and film institute with completely different socioeconomic backgrounds and now my siblings' friends have babies and businesses and my friends are dead my sister in Canada doesn't have to drive through shanty towns to get to a part of the city with boulevards and walkways she doesn't see people begging or emaciated horses she can go sit somewhere clean and quiet for half an hour in an orange shirt and acknowledge that indigenous children were buried under a school and feel like a good person but ultimately she's not going to look under the hood because she doesn't have to and everything there is designed to distract people my brother doesn't have that privilege because he lives here-- but he gets to be a guy a rich guy he won't drive down a muddy street-- his fancy car wouldn't make it through but even if he were in my car he'd be horrified he makes comments about people being the wrong type of people, and about how their existence inconveniences him he has to look under the hood sometimes when the poverty spills over into his comfy bubble but he can still shut it out again alienation because it's all artifice and I can't make work my life or sing kumbaya loneliness because my siblings are cowards and I don't think it's cowardly to be afraid the bravest people I know are terrified I think it's cowardly when you try to make people smaller because you can't acknowledge you're afraid loneliness because my father is abusive loneliness because my mother who was my only source of affection was also abusive and is now dead loneliness because I was too ashamed to admit all of the above to myself or to others so I pushed everyone away I feel awful even though today was a good day a fantastic day actually I cried and didn't want to drive out to my second interview across the city Maru chan convinced me to go and it's a good thing he did it's basically my dream teaching gig, great salary, remote (and not that it matters but the interviewer was one of the most gorgeous people I've ever seen and I felt this instant connection with him that I haven't felt for anyone since college and his eyes were dilated and I'm pretty sure my eyes were dilated and the other people in the room felt awkward and im a teeny bit in love...it doesn't matter, don't think about that, probably wont see him again, it's a remote job, and he's probably married and a dad and his silvery hair and kind eyes don't matter) I went to my favorite Chinese restaurant that's been around forever since it was around the corner Got dumplings and beef to eat with Maru Who didn't know how to react to my wobbly legs and wet eyes because of the drive Because of more than the drive I was happy because of the interview but the floodgates were already open He tried his best but in the end he just let me sob on the couch He already has enough on his plate I felt bad I wish I could just feel bad without feeling bad about feeling bad too I'm scared about Sahel I'm scared about losing Maru I'm scared that I won't be able to go join him I'm scared that I do and it doesn't work out and my baba and my brother use it against me I'm scared about fucking up this job interview or fucking up the job later, I really like and want this job I'm scared that teeny bit in love moment will be my last teeny bit in love moment I'm scared about paying a lot to commute to the other interview They think it's a negotiating tactic But I feel sick, I don't usually get this far in the interviewing process without making a decision But Maru Chan says nobody puts all their eggs in one basket no matter how shiny the basket is And I know that makes sense but constantly having to make choices quickly is making me freeze up I'm very privileged to have choices I'm grateful to Maru and his practical head Stopping me from making panic moves Helping me resist dark human potato mode It's so much Driving across the city is already no easy feat But because of the elections, I keep getting rerouted I saw someone posting about support groups for people who are disturbed by whats happening in Gaza I wonder how that works I hope this delayed response is finished tomorrow |