200 (and one) Yesterday was day 200 I played with Laila the garden cat a bit and spent most of the day in bed I'm still in fight or flight this afternoon I expected as much The morning was gray Grey? A for American, E for English This morning as well I can't tell if it's overcast or dust or pollution I don't have the energy to be curious My broken bedroom window perfectly frames an apartment a few villas over A red balcony and a room, with postcards on the wall? They're the size of postcards I think the balcony used to be blue I wrote two songs about it In the first one it's blue, but I'm an unreliable narrator That used to scare me, not being able to trust my own memories or perception But at some point, I understood that these mechanisms were trying to protect me And I felt affection for them, like I was being parented by ancestral instincts and reflexes Something familial was looking out for me The second song is called Juliet I wrote about the dresses on the clothesline billowing and beckoning in the sun We're allowed to be creeps in songs (blame Sting and the Police) I'm slowing down Not really talking Well, I gave Om Nady another shot this afternoon Only one more to go, woohoo! She and Nagwa approve of my piercing-- I don't think septum piercings are common in traditional Egyptian culture, but nose rings and chin tattoos are in some regions My great grandmother was photographed with a line down her chin and a dot on either side Pre-colonial Visayans adored jewelry, my Filipino ancestors had big holes in their earlobes and pierced penises I'm always searching For belonging I told Sunrise I felt jealous of her community She explained she still felt like an outsider She reminded me of group dynamics and the work of a relationship And the general suffocation that comes with connection I admitted all of that was frightening Then she said something about being in the mindset to receive Bridget had told me about having an abundance mindset in San Francisco I was mourning mama Remoun treated me like their personal teary eyed sex doll Remoun the non binary, happy clown/kink counsellor who made the white girls feel safe But locked the door behind the unwell Egyptian girls What could we possibly do about it? The one before me crashed Remoun's car Good for her I didn't want to hear about an abundance mindset I don't know how to interact with people I don't know how to receive, I don't know how to give I can't find the sweet spot I open up too much and choke I overestimate myself Or I'm too terrified to overstep and I accidentally alienate people Ooor I turn into my parents, which is horrifying Thankfully, it only comes out when I'm really cornered and some cluster B personality has mistakenly targeted me My body picks up on things faster than my head sometimes I don't know It feels like a catch-22 I need connection to heal And I don't know how to connect because that part of me is broken If it weren't for Maru and the handful of friends who check in And therapy, even if it was inadequate And the fussy sea grannies inserting themselves into my life every summer since mama passed away I don't know I think I'd be a sickly ball of atrophied muscle and brittle bones Sallow skin, matted hair and smoke stained teeth I think I would've coughed myself into the ground next to mama Sunrise's mama passed away two years before mine She checked herself into a mental hospital in Berlin A former friend of mine in the Netherlands had a team of therapists caring for her too They were both like my far away coaches Sunrise is finishing her PhD My friend in the Netherlands had a bachelor's degree in actuarial science and dropped out of a master's program in epidemiology Very very smart women --- Cousin Aly just called He needs to give away the kittens Cat-in-law has travelled back to Belarus (didn't want to ask) Have to find a kitty shelter --- I hope the anxiety goes away by tomorrow |