76? Brace for impact I have two scripts left and a gnarled up lower back Tomorrow (technically today), cousin Aly, Cat and my brother are arriving Tante Z is leaving You would think that means Aly and Cat could stay in her flat Nope She can't stand and doesn't trust the Cat So now we're all sharing a bathroom I shouldn't complain, I'm the only one with a room to myself Cat has been a sneaky sneak. She tried to drive a wedge between Baba and me, which she found difficult because of the gaping chasm that was already there. After we got and tried on the pantsuits (I don't know why these pantsuits are featuring so heavily) She took me aside saying Baba gushed over her and just ignored me I nodded, waiting for a point "This is very sad" Oh. Um, it's okay, I'm used to it. Actually he's usually rude so silence is a good thing, I'm really not upset (insert my big bloopy grin) Then she looked DISAPPOINTED. And I know that look. Baba does that look. Toxic Rehaam does that look. And that was when my distance turned into thick, tall concrete walls. I had a tiny feeling but I didn't listen to it and I'm kind of mad at myself Maru says we project goodness onto people because it's a survival mechanism from childhood Hm. Maru being a Disney adult makes more sense now She's not fiendish or anything She's just very invested in roles and bitter about any deviation from them And she thinks she's entitled to control people She's kind of like my sister before therapy My sister's still like that actually But slightly more sophisticated Now she uses weaponised boundaries and shifting goalposts My brother and I openly dread dealing with her litigious side when Baba dies Now that I'm a villain for myself, I just watch it all play out They still try to blame me occasionally but I light it on fire and fling it back at them so they've learned to stay away It's all on me now Can't feel sorry for them or get sucked back in I still feel sorry for them. It was baba's birthday, he was grumpy I reminded my brother He didn't reply to my text but he did call Baba Then my sister called, syrupy sweet, singing the song and then effortlessly transitioning into asking about the money Her money, his money They're either going to be actual people or just terrifying when he goes I don't want to know I hope I find my own family Sara said I was a family person like it was a curse Yeah Of course I am What's the point in travel and legacies and even activism without loving and being loved that way? Especially if I didn't grow up with it? She's right, I'm a family person Not the one I was born with though I really hate when people's faces fall because I'm happy I hate that my family thinks of my happiness as an existential threat They don't want me to be angry or depressed And I thought that meant they cared about me But I realized more than that they don't want me to be happy If I look good that makes Sally feel ugly If I do things on my own that makes Hassan feel inadequate They all say I'm smart like it's a bad thing, Baba started that They're afraid of being intelligent too But they are, as much as they try to kill it I can't imagine them ever talking to me or being nice to me without transactional subtext Maybe one day, I doubt it Even if it happens I'll have my guard way, way up and it'll be difficult not to act on my anger I'm mad at the emotional labor they stole from me. I'm mad at myself for doing it in the first place. And for so long. And not for myself. Maybe it won't be difficult Maybe I'll feel safe and happy Maybe this change and pouring energy into myself, maybe it'll add up to being safe and happy and loved and loving my people And maybe I won't feel angry and maybe I'll entertain their conversation And when they try to pull some bullshit, maybe someone will roll their eyes and pour me tea and I'll laugh about it! And I'll say no with a big smile and a light heart And they'll know exactly why I'm saying no and they'll see no wiggle room in my joyful no And they'll know they can't guilt me or hurt me and they'll go prey on somebody else or hopefully turn inwards I want that shiny joyful loved person armor Right now I have over compensating, always frightened armor and people like to test that I didn't sleep I drank so much tea to get through the scripts Ill try to get some shut eye before the sun comes up and it gets crowded |