Closure is a dirty word It's going to be so hard to love someone else Today was almost ridiculously fitting I cried on my best friend and she helped me burn a note with all my hurts written on it and we watched the ashes scatter from her balcony He replied to my final non threatening olive branch email (he blocked my number) and confirmed he was done I feel like at least it ended more kindly from my end I'm afraid of falling into his arms if they ever reach out again I shouldn't be, I'll never forget this and now I know that those arms have to come with lots of other emotional support The timing of the digital marketing job is nuts I'm turning over a new leaf with a heavy heart I'll always miss and hope but I'll always stand by what I need: Risking emotional vulnerability, loyalty in conflict, priority over family, because WE'RE family, priority in general The financial stuff didnt matter, the misleading information from family and treatment of mine put me in an impossible position, I'm not really mad at him anymore and I understand it's the oldest and deepest hurt -- there was no way I could say it and there was no way he could see it It was a well played game on their part I wasn't playing I would've given him everything if he understood and protected me I pray that one day he does and he leaves this country that he'll always see as a prison If he meant it that he found liberation in me, I hope he understands what my family did and what his did in the context of this culture I hope he understands I just wanted him and that I would've made long distance work Woulda coulda shoulda I'm not sure why everything unfolded as it did and why I had to lose my mind and get my heart broken I believe the question will hurt less, I believe one day I might know I'm worried about a book that keeps coming up Love in the time of cholera That is NOT a story I want to live Very pretty NO THANK YOU COSMIC FORCES, NON MERCI I cant imagine anyone else right now Maybe someone else, maybe love in the time of cholera, maybe...me? Self actualized me That's nothing to be sad about Ugh today and over arching themes I'll lick my wounds and sleep and start studying tomorrow It feels like day 1 in the new world And it feels like I had to leave home |