i am gaining conviction. i want to ask my best friend's boyfriend something he used to be kind of like what i am now. he changed. he's more balanced. i want to ask him if it's because it made things better--if it made things better for him now, or because he thinks it'll make things better later. and i want to ask if he's ever wondered what if things aren't better later? i hope i get to ask. --- not everyone strays into this because it's frightening or useless or because it's hard to return from it faith is unquestioning. and that's the most difficult part for me. to stop reasoning, because reason only takes you so far there will never be scientific proof and that's hard for me it's always been hard for me because it feels unfair and i don't want to have to explain what's fair or ethical or moral in my opinion i just want you to know what i feel, because that's what you can relate to and i want you to know my mindset. my perspective. and i want that to be easy. i dont think i'm a great person. but i want it to be easy, and i'm so small. so why can't this perfect, awesome being--why can't God make it easy? --- i'm difficult. in a lot of ways. and i don't know if it's completely my fault or partly my fault or just my fate. and i guess i'm sorry. i tell my friends and i tell strangers that i'm a flake. and sometimes they take it upon themselves to decide whether that's okay or not and sometimes they ignore it, they ignore me, and they see what they want to eventually a conclusion is reached. it's a long and complicated process. but at the end of it, i'm still a flake. --- i believe in karma. i believe everyone gets whats coming to them. its worrying because i know what i deserve but it's relieving because eventually suspense will end --and i like that thought. i like the finality. another best friend, she was asking (but not directly) why people obsess with death which is certain, and ignore life which passes by i think maybe it's because death is so much easier to define. i can hold death. death is concrete. and we make concrete. life is incomprehensible. life is invisible and life is air. and God made air. --- i've stopped believing in love. which is unfortunate, because now i'll stop seeing it. when i was little i saw everything, and it was outside. now i look inwards for everything and slowly, surely, outside is becoming nothing. |