i am not lost. -what are you doing? you tell me. -you're losing it i never had it in the first place -i'm sorry. me too -what will they do to you? i dont know -how do you feel? afraid. -cant you stop? no -why not? i'd have to start to stop -and you cant? no -why sarah? i dont know sarah. -dont. it's not in my hands -and its over? yes -but hadn't you decided it wasnt? yes -what happened? nothing, thats the point, i made a decision and it wasnt carried out and i'm here again and i suppose thats all that suffices for them but what suffices for me? where am i in all these decisions for everyone but me? am i the totality of all i do and don't do am i the girl that does it well am i at all? -are you? NO. I AM NOT. I AM NOTHING AND EVERYDAY THATS ALL IT IS-- ANOTHER DAY AND EVERYDAY and in between i get a glimpse of what could be and they say dont you see its better this way dont you understand? and i tell them, what do you know? WHAT DO YOU KNOW? -i don't know. neither do i--but i'd rather not pretend is that so wrong? -it is, its wrong here, it doesn't belong but i dont belong. i'll do what you ask of me but i wont do what you think i ask of myself because i dont ask those questions i dont wonder how will i eat tomorrow how will my children live how can i better myself in paper, in eyes that ask questions that last for a moment and move on to more -but you dont move... no i dont. i am stagnant. i am here because of you... i'm not here because of me. -i'm sorry. ...oh sarah, it isnt your fault. you're so well loved and i think it's beautiful of you, really i do. i dont resent it at all but you cant expect me to live as you were-- dont you see you died that day? -i don't think that you know, i dont think i died...i dont think i ever lived at all. you were always the real one, the truth murmuring beneath a healthy screaming surface--that newborn cry we all wait for and sigh in relief when we hear ..that makes me smile, why do we wait for that cry i wonder? why do we worry so about the silent ones.. as if it were our right to hear the agonies of a brother, a sister--as if it were a welcoming did i request thee maker? if i did, i dont remember i dont want this. -i dont want this either.
no part of me wishes to continue as the daughter as the sister as the student or as the smiling friend no part of me. and it's not sickness. it's the truth. my truth. why would i finish something for the sake of it? what kind of reason is that? no reason at all. --- i've always had the urge to run, but i dont know how, or where, or when maybe its just now, anywhere, any way even if its inside, in the dark or outside, in the cold i'm not weak. i'm not weak. if you think i am then tell me if you could and no, not WOULD you COULD YOU-- COULD YOU DO WHAT I DO for even a second? |