regulation in the morning the second I wake up the ceiling comes into focus check the phone deep breath if I don't move at this point the day is over VERY DEEP BREATH legs out of bed, lean forward, use the momentum, stumble to bathroom, head in the sink (diving reflex, slows down heart --also just feels cool and refreshing in the summer) practice old lady noises stare at the drowned rat in the mirror that's one version of it other variations: text whomever I'm fixated on check stocks and say that's probably okay (more anxiety and more heat) stretches cats violent crying diary time diary time is a good idea I'll do that I don't want to meet people Emma lives too far The musician scares me The pretty artist ...maybe her, but not with this brain And half an hour is still a long time to panic in a car I'm not well The brain isn't braining and I'm not well and I just have to accept it |