Day 1 This counting helped me before. I'm not going to lose everything I fought for. I still haven't smoked. I can't eat or get out of bed. The panic is very bad. Baba gave me food at my door. Baba never comes upstairs. It made me feel so sad. I will fight. I have some friends. The appointment is coming up. I'll think about what to tell her. I have a habit of getting into predatory situations I quit smoking-- she's an addiction expert She'll know what that means I got a really good job and lost it I refused to let someone take control of me despite them offering a way out of an abusive situation Because I really want autonomy And I don't want my money in her bank account And I don't want my sanity to be a toy in her house. I don't want my sanity to be anybody's toy She had dead eyes It was kind of scary But also comforting because I knew there was no point I masked through it, she's paying for therapy -- buying absolution Buy a girlfriend Buy a life Solarpunk my butt I didn't sleep or eat My throat hurts My chest hurts I feel so angry with myself I feel so angry that I let myself be somewhere unsafe that I trusted someone unsafe The kid inside me is devastated, I was just starting to earn her trust I promised we would be okay and I let her down And all I can do now is make sure we will be okay |