It's my own fault I canceled the trip I can't do it It's too fast I made it too fast It's my fault I'm too broke I can't let her pay for everything and I can't be in debt to her Yes I'll probably regret it forever and it's very painful But 2019 and all the feelings of being abused and stranded in California And this December with Sahel and Maru And Baba reminding me that he won't help me I can't do it Why is it either agoraphobia or these extreme situations where I have no agency She didn't understand She can't understand because her mama loves her And her autism makes it hard for her to see it from my end or beyond her own goals It's not something I want her to understand anyway But it makes me feel so alone Beebo helped me stop crying for class and figure out how I was feeling She can't do that And I don't want to be paid for emotional labor or cuddles or whatever I'm very depressed I'll be okay I don't know I miss the sea grannies And my sister is probably going to shit on this summer I don't see the point in anything |