Anchor down I "woke up" early Quotations because I didn't really sleep, I kept waking up in a panic I drove out to the social insurance building, was informed the system was down Waited with a hand fan Discovered I needed a stamp Gave the nice lady who showed me where to get the stamp some money Drove to work Parked half on the road, half in some sand Did box breathing, drank chamomile Was dizzy, fucked up on a bunch of calls Mean girl's friend is one of the support coaches, he was very happy I was fucking up and was passive aggressive I said I didn't sleep and don't feel well He then switched to just aggressive aggressive and said you can't say that-- go IN GO IN (that means turn on the system to take back to back calls) I cried Supervisor (not everybody's crush, another one who I like more now cause he talks about abundance mentality and woowoo) asked what's going on Informed him that I was sleepy/headachey/dizzy and I let him know about the mean people club and said I was autistic and not good with those things He narrowed his eyes a bit in acknowledgement of their bitchiness which made me feel calmer and like it wasn't all in my head He was really nice Said I have the best scores (apart from call time and number of calls) and customers really like me, I just need to be confident and ignore everybody else He sent me home early to sleep Was nice to see lights on at home Usually I'm greeted by a new very fluffy cat who sleeps on the front porch I named him Zakareya He blinks at me and I say sorry, good night Zakareya I'm not taking as many calls as everybody else and I'm pausing the system between calls, which is bad But I'm doing better at helping people than anyone else Also I had technical difficulties with two different PCs the past week And yesterday N had really bad cramps (she has endo too) and she sits next to me and was crying, so I hugged her until she could move and I got her tea-- which probably affected my scores too I don't really care, I'd do it again And the higher up people really like me and keep saying that I'll get the hang of taking calls back to back and not to worry I do knooow that, I try my best to find a solution and I try to be kind to all the customers even the really difficult ones Even the racist ones who think I'm white and complain about "them Arab agents" (so awkward) I don't rush them So my calls are long and I click through the system slowly, maybe because I'm a millennial and it's not as intuitive for me and definitely because even though I'm much older than everybody else, I don't have as much experience in this field as they do I do see other people bullshitting their way through calls and making a lot of mistakes and not being fired on the spot I know this is probably my perfectionism trauma And apart from that, the mean people just really bother me and I didn't have the strength to ignore all the passive aggressive stuff today And because my performance was bad I felt extra sad because I couldn't let my work speak for me I think I also feel sad because I don't like that it takes me a long time to read people and their intentions So I felt very isolated and scared that I was trusting the wrong people, after all, mean girl was my friend the first couple of weeks I started questioning my other friendships, what if sassy gay kid doesn't actually like me and is mean girl's secret minion?!?! Lots of paranoid thoughts like that To add to it, the guy that mean girl had been targeting earlier and had convinced me was a horrible person IS ACTUALLY A VERY KIND KID He gave me a choco biscuit on the stairs when I was blubbering down to the bathroom and he said hey, nothing actually matters here you know that right? Which is exactly what I needed to hear and the cheerful nihilist inside me perked up And I jutted out my chin and read some more articles about the system until I was allowed to go home So work stress on one level, social stress on another level, physical stress on another level And underneath those three there is a voice inside saying helloooo, genociiiide, waaaar, nationwide insolvencyyyy, people are begging for food next to your car on your way to your multinational companyyy Didn't you used to protest downtown BEFORE the revolution? Weren't you willing to get tortured because of bread inflation? THEYRE EATING LESS NOW ASSHOLE Im very tired but I want insurance, I need insurance, I'll need that surgery And yes this isn't the most authentic work but i think it's good for me in a lot of ways I'm driving, people are arm touching me every day and I'm getting and giving hugs -- I get autistic skin owwws but my heart is warmer I'm working through the stress, completing tasks but not repressing tears I am rediscovering the resourceful girl who lived in a shanty town and who survived (and thrived!) in California with no money for two months She exists when I'm not in fight or flight mode and dissociating which feels good to know I'm re-living my 20s and wearing my high school fashion I'm doing a lot better this time And it is an ego boost when people flirt and when they get shocked by my age I feel better now It's good to write here My feet are on the ground again |