94 I must not fear Mama and Lola used to talk about how guys would serenade women under balconies in San Fernando And chop wood And fetch water And put up with thinly veiled abuse from Filipino papas All I can think about is pushing Ozzy's car down the road And digging it out of a ditch And putting away his laundry And Sara's laundry And Ramadan's laundry And Bridget's laundry And Tarek's laundry Why do I keep doing people's laundry? Because I feel like I have to earn it And if I don't do laundry then the other shoe will drop and it'll be my fault Because I'm terrified and still a parentified eight-year-old with the threat of mama's hidden, fully packed bag hanging over me I quit the Christian content gig An elf was being very nice to me and I realized I wasn't being nice to myself I don't want to write about bathing in anybody's divine blood No more blood, please. Instead, I had the dessert I couldn't eat yesterday. Chatted with my brother for a bit. Gave Om Nady a shot, 13 more shots to go. Om Nady is the doorman's wife. Mama was a nurse, and baba was a doctor so I have basic medical skills. Heimlich, CPR, shots, assess for a stroke, first aid, lose all emotion when there's an emergency... Om Nady needs shots. Doctors at pharmacies used to help and give people injections but they're not allowed to anymore. The Vogons buried them in paperwork. Hospitals are kind of a nightmare and injections are costly. Om Nady is conservative and shy to ask Baba, so I do them. She's the one who taught me about fenugreek to help with my cramps. She has a really thick country accent that Mama couldn't understand, and she couldn't understand Mama's pidgin Arabic. I remember them just roaring with laughter and crying whenever they tried to talk to each other. I don't know if I'll go to the beach this weekend. Matty's feeling better and wants to go out. I think that's a rare occurrence, maybe we'll go get Korean food or ice cream in Heliopolis. I need to get out of beach mode. I applied to some jobs on my freelancing site but I've been half-assing it. I was prepared to whole ass it. Really! I was going to teach again. The English center's STILL CLOSED. I don't know who posted about it being open. I wanted to bring the energy with me but then Cairo heat And sad friends And pain But I feel better now And they feel better: Maru's Halloween project is a cursed, haunted tree Mou and Saf went to a concert (Tamino! He's an Egyptian Belgian singer and the grandson of a famous Egyptian singer, he's such a beautiful baby and the whole country has a crush on him) I saw a picture of Mou and Saf holding hands with their concert wristbands on and I teared up PDA is frowned upon and Mou is a very big grr metalhead sort of dude. He's one of the first people I befriended when I moved to Egypt and we used to smoke and complain about our horrific love lives. Seeing him all squish after all that he's been through is SO ADORABLE and I just love Saf to bits, she's so perfect and stunning and smart and kind ππ§Ώππ§Ώππ§Ώ And now Emma's my club canoodling person, I get to have a club canoodling person? And even Matty's poking her head out of her cave I'm afraid to hope I found a tribe I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. (Ever since I watched Dune I've been saying the whole Bene Gesserit litany in my head ...and it works? I think I'm brainwashing myself?) I don't want to be afraid anymore I've been afraid of God, afraid of my father, afraid of my body, afraid to go out, afraid to see people from my past, afraid of new people, afraid of being afraid I want to trust I think I've learned how to be sweet to myself and to the kid in my head. I tell her it's okay, I don't call her names anymore. I encourage her. I think now it's time to trust her. Do the things. Move through the fear. So what. I can say the wrong things and have blind spots, everybody does And the bullies can be bullies, whatever, they don't own this city I can say no, I practiced It's not like I've never been in dangerous situations SO WHAT |