80 it's very exhausting I cancelled the shisha Hassan says he might leave after tomorrow depending on the storm I think I'll go too Sahel without K or Z and just my Baba Baba pretending to be something bizarre for my cousin's wife and expecting me to play along No thanks I've learned some clothes rolling techniques but it's still going to be awful to pack everything up --- As a kid, I was obsessed with the Sound of Music and insisted on having short hair like Julie Andrews I didn't like dresses much because I liked climbing (monkey bars, trees, walls) I figured out how to climb back into the house when mama would lock us out (in Saudi Arabian heat without water or food) So often kids and even some adults thought I was a boy and treated me like one --I liked it, boys can be loud and physical and I had a lot of abuse to work out of my body When I was a young teen, I discovered chatrooms. I was bombarded by messages from pedophiles. I learned not to disclose my identity markers and consistently, people would just assume I was a guy. Guys don't get messages from creeps and penis pictures and weird posturing so I just kept being a guy As a guy, people were careful to confront me I could just talk about whatever I wanted-- rare musical instruments, Kafka, internet lore, cats When people disagreed, my opinion was still valid --I didn't need educating It was so starkly different from how I negotiated the world offline Sometimes I'd forget and there would be so much animosity for my guy voice coming out of my very femme body Women are expected to pad things "I think maybe... It's kind of... I don't know, but..." I hate that so much And indirect cultural practices, "I have a thing on Friday" Just say "No thanks, I don't want to go." What's wrong with that? Indirect cultures combined with expectations of women -- no My throat is closing up just thinking about it --- I always made friends with people on the margins Of course, maybe I'm making a virtue out of necessity But I like to think even if I could keep up with the populars/normals, I'd still prefer the company of my friends Neurospicy, disabled, abused, queer, witches, BIPOC, sex workers The freaks and the geeks And these days, I get to see their movies and listen to their music I get to read their books and see them on the news These days, we get to gather online I got to see a hashtag on Twitter turn into a revolution that my friends died for So many wondrous and powerful things And yet it's still an effort, even for me To escape the music of the cishet white guy, the news about actor cishet white guy delivered by cishet white guy, the new book by cishet white guy discussed on a podcast with cishet white guy and cishet white guy 60% of the 8 billion and a bit people in this world are Asian And only now, one country in this giant continent is having its moment (I mean good for Koreans) --- Whenever something violent or infuriating happens The optimists say they're death throes The young white mass shooter, legislation against women and their bodies, The optimists say it's all a final push over a tipping point The nihilists say AHAHAHAHAHA and boop your nose The billionaires pay smart people to predict when "the event" will happen and how to efficiently run their bunkers/board their ships to the Mars colony. They're also keen on breeding. They believe the world needs to be saved by tiny billionaire tech guy white babies. They also cause genocide if it's financially propitious. Some of them are trying to upload their brains to achieve immortality. Some of them are trying to reverse aging by having the shittiest diet and exercise regimen and taking their kid's blood. They say autistic people have a strong sense of justice It's very exhausting. |