Today, in "Baba's fucking insane" I cleaned up the whole apartment Remember I even said it here I sweeped, I mopped, I did laundry I even cleaned light switches Because I don't want to be judged by the1950s Eastern European woman while Baba sighs that I'm a failure and not so subtly lusts after her And I was really getting along with Hassan He did dishes in the morning He's smoking again which made my heart hurt but I didn't say anything because not responsible for them and they're not children The sea was GORGEOUS We swam, we laughed Then I made dinner I repurposed the food that Baba made me store in the freezer I threw out what I couldn't turn into a stew And I gave Hassan the leftover pizza because he doesn't like meat There were dishes but I decided to take a breather and watch the new season of Only Murders in the Building with Hassan because I adore Martin Short and will watch everything he ever acts in Hassan brought the chrome cast so we could watch stuff on TV It was great, everyone was great I made popcorn, I gave Baba some popcorn Then Baba goes to the kitchen and sees a sink of dishes and has a complete nervous breakdown "THERE ARE DISHES" ...um yeah Baba we just ate. "HASSAN COME LOOK WHATS HAPPENED, IT WAS EMPTY AND NOW ITS FULL" "It's okay dad we'll get to it later, we're just watching a show" "ITS HER" ... "Dad you're over reacting right now" "SHES TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME IN FRONT OF YOUR COUSIN AND HIS WIFE" "DAD." If you actually believe that you're a fucking insane paranoiac and need to seek help IMMEDIATELY. *Baba reaches down for his shoe* Hassan says "CAN EVERYBODY CALM DOWN SARAH I'LL HANDLE THIS HE'S OLD" I back into the balcony and yell out IF YOU WANT TO HIT ME THEN YOU BETTER DO IT OUT HERE IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY BABA Hassan goes to the kitchen to wash up Baba says Im obsessed with making his life difficult and all he does is leave me in peace I laugh maniacally and remind him of the last ten statements he's made about my weight, my voice, my Instagram profile (he recently discovered it after it got linked to my new Facebook account, Facebook is evil) It has a rainbow flag on it He starts screaming YOU WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE FAMILY YOURE GAY SO THEY KNOW I FAILED TO RAISE YOU I inform him that 1. It's amazing that even how I was born is still about him 2. The flag's been on there for years and no one in the family mentions it and the ones who do have been positive 3. He doesn't give a shit about me being gay (I'm bi), he only cares about his reputation and he's a narcissistic prick I go to wash up with Hassan Hassan says he just wanted to relax I said so do I dude He said baba's old and he could've calmed him down I said I appreciate that and I'm sorry it's stressful for him but it's important for my dignity to stand up for myself when he's being like that And I said the way he treats you and the way he treats me will never be the same I don't blame you for it but I can't let you stop me from speaking up He said he didn't mean to silence me and I said I knew that He said he wanted to run to the store for smokes and I told him to go ahead I finished up when he came back Went to Baba on the balcony Told him the sink is empty. Explained everything I cleaned in the house. Explained where dishes come from. Explained that there's always a big pile after meals but I usually wash it up immediately so he doesn't see it. Explained I was just taking a break and watching a show with Hassan and it was never my intention to sabotage him. Explained it is hurtful and insulting when I'm doing the exact opposite of that. Explained it's weird when he talks to Hassan about me when I'm in the room. Explained he was being cruel and unfair. --- I'm skipping over a lot I'm skipping over homophobic stuff And him saying I don't want Cat to come and I'm trying to embarrass him And me saying his crush is embarrassing And shoe wagging threats --- Hassan sent me funny tiktoks and I sent him funny tiktoks It will go in a gold gilded frame I appreciate that he didn't throw me under the bus this time I think because Baba was really really REALLY out there Like Nobody could deny he was being actually nuts A sink? Dishes? --- I noticed he tried to bully Hassan about his weight this morning But Hassan said he likes the way he looks So Baba talked about how athletic he was in his youth and how much more muscular his body was It's really sad Narcissists end up schizoid and alone He might turn into my uncle or my grandmother And all the shit he runs from by making other people feel small All that dark shit he's terrified of He's going to be trapped in it And it makes me really sad --- I've been thinking about the day Baba will die since I was a child It really threw me off when mama died in 2019 It was supposed to be him Mama was supposed to be free for a bit I've been thinking about what he wants us to do and what we actually want to do and what would be a happy middle My siblings will want to sell the villa at some point Maybe Hassan will leave the country Maybe I will? Maybe he'll move to Zamalek and I'll move out here to the coast or to Sinai with Maru Maybe I'll turn the villa into a dorm, we live next to five different colleges and universities It makes sense Maybe the passive income will discourage the siblings from selling I'll get tattooed Then the siblings will get tattooed And I'll get purple hair We'll slowly become ourselves out loud And I won't let them fall into old patterns, not with me anyway Maybe one day, the three of us will be up here with Sally's kids There will be music in the house all the time like when mama was alive We can cook vegan food I'll put a hammock in the balcony --- Since I was a kid, I've been determined to outlive my father. |