54 ish, inner babies I want K and the movie star to work out and move to Sweden And I'm really tired of hearing stories about beautiful, kind and precious people being broken by this shitty corrupt nefarious system that doesn't even see them Also Hot architect is really cool and socially sophisticated --in a cat stroking borderline evil genius way, it's extremely attractive (Alexandrian society is fun to hear about-- it's relieving to be an outsider) Also Other village is fancy and has better tea Also It's very odd saying "As a queer person..." or "As someone on the spectrum..." to full blooded Egyptians and not being attacked Also Kosha, 30 year old who had awkward sex with me while his dogs cried outside Who didn't make me orgasm Who said he felt he sinned and we shouldnt see each other AFTER he came Who suggested I get LIPOSUCTION That Kosha He saw my social media stories/new beach aesthetic and slid into my DMs "I hope you aren't still mad at me" "Not sure why things got tense" I don't really feel like getting into it again "Are we good?" I'm good. "Call me when you're in Cairo, I owe you Korean noodles" I shouldn't care what wormy assholes think but it was an ego boost. And he does owe me noodles. FILL THE BAG WITH NOODLES AND BACK AWAY WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM MOTHERFUCKER. I don't think I can yell that at the park. I miss being publicly weird. I saw somewhere that the opposite of a psychological trigger is a 'glimmer' Objects/sensations/situations that deeply soothe your nervous system and maybe tickle your brain Today I made note of two glimmers Sea foam sizzling on the water just after blooping up from under a giant wave I felt like I was floating in a cup of soda I patted the surface of the water with my fingers outstretched and felt the bubbles dance between them Oh I lied, THREE glimmers A bird swooped into the water right in front of me! I felt like Steve Irwin! And aaand walking home I was suddenly overcome by the urge to lay face down in the grass But a lady was staring at me so I scuttled around a corner and pressed myself into a bush It felt so good I want to feel good I think inner baby Sarah's having a great summer There are a couple of women organizing movement and play classes for adults in Cairo It's very artsyfartsy Sara (ex wife not ex wife) And it's very California But I have to admit it's powerful So many knotted up heart sore skin hungry bodies I learned how to cry And now I'm hugging bushes Sara and I were always weird and ...I dont know Loose limbed jelly people consciously choosing to have zero impulse control Disrupt everything Disrupt my own frontal lobe K's being nicer to inner baby K too I'm afraid of going back into isolation in Cairo I feel so much better and I'm remembering old parts of myself but I don't know if that will translate into braving Cairene traffic/society Even talking to Emma and remembering how small our circle is --we both felt uneasy But what does it matter really? I mean I handled over a month of sea grannies So what if I run into the old circle? Noha's terrified of confrontation and I'm not taking Emma out on a stand up comedy first date (ew) Sara will kiss my cheeks, loop her arm into mine, walk around with me for a couple minutes asking extremely personal questions while waxing philosophy then sit down with her girlfriend and bitch about me (I used to be the one at the table waiting for her to finish her little strolls) Enjy. Oh god. Okay. Okay I guess I'm writing about it. In university, my ex boyfriend H was a friendly, cuddly, well loved British Sudanese guy studying actuarial science. He anally raped me on a table. I cried on the table. He didn't notice I cried on the table and said, "Usually girls cry" Two years later, after I abandoned Sara and everyone I knew who knew him, I was able to say the word rape. I said it to Enjy. I said it because H infiltrated my new group of friends. "He was your ex?" Every day every day every day So I broke down and cried at Enjy and said rape. Enjy is a fucked up human being. She was groomed by her uncle, I figured it out. She figured out that I figured it out. She thought I was a psychic angel witch. I think the secret formula for ESP is autism and trauma. Anyway-- that is not why I call her a fucked up human being. I never told a soul about what I knew, which is something I now regret because someone qualified could have intervened -- at the time I thought I was protecting her. Enjy. Enjy flirted with H in a group setting. Because that's fun flirty banter Okay let's say it was a misunderstanding, she didn't say it that way, the witnesses were lying Months later, Ozzy Fucking OZZY, who didn't even go to school with us, calls me saying stay away from her She bumped into him in Nuweiba and told him about H raping me too, while flirting?! I still don't understand what she was doing? Like stroking their arms and saying "Sarah was raaaaped" in a seductive whisper or something?! It hurt but it was so bizarre it also made me laugh. I laugh/cry a lot. So. Enjy is a fucked up human being. Maybe she's better now. Maybe she got therapy. I really hope she has. I never want to see her again. Never ever nope. I'm not going to stay in my flat/bunker because of her either. I'll just do what Tante Z did with Tante Duck How to ice out unstable people-- forget economics, that's what Z should be teaching in college I think I'll be okay Most people think I'm dead or in California Anyone who'd resent me for having dirt on them would realize I've been very quiet and just avoid me It'll be fine I'll go see movies and chat and kiss Emma And I'll still go to Maru's dinners and cuddle my gay dads I'll see artsy stuff with Mou and Saf and realize everyone who scared me is also middle aged and no longer judging people or lurking in galleries I'll buy lots of plants and try really hard not to kill them It'll be fine |