30ish Monica Vitti saying w alaikum elsalam is one of my favorite things I liked staying in today No deciphering looks or tones I needed a break from people I studied people How to person like a person Psychology, sociology and anthropology And I used to act I mean I obviously still act, I've never been able to fully be myself around anyone -- maybe just Axel Which tangent first? Acting-- I was a film minor and Sara, my ex-wife/not ex-wife, was a theater major So everyone I knew was an actor or director And I was playdough as a young adult with very violent emotions just under the surface, all the time I was pretty good, it was easy--I was already doing some version of it When mama tortured me as a child, I'd read or watch TV and dissociate and fully immerse myself in whatever I was reading or watching I could recite entire scripts and I'd copy body language And I still get way too into whatever film or book-- "what's wrong with Sarah?" "She watched 'Breaking the waves'" "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO WATCH THAT ONE" There was a list, I've watched most of them now Nobody protecting me anymore I really hate Lars von Trier and I really hate Pasolini I don't hate them Their work just literally makes me nauseous I could get pale and sweaty and throw up and belly laugh and cry and scream So I always ended up in somebody's project I acted in all their scenes for directing classes It was very useful and healing I could practice expressions and movements in the mirror without anybody wondering why And I could finally express what I was feeling, undiluted, behind a character I even got cast in a legit uni production -- Moliere's School for Wives, I was Georgette Professor Frank made my first line an orgasm (I already had a bad reputation from my friend's independent plays and I was topless in my friend's student film) Frank was impressed by my performance in a scene from The Maids, Sara's directing project He told the class he hadnt seen someone lose themselves like that in a long time. Sweet Frank. He thought I'd make a career of it I've disappointed a lot of professors A lot of those people I used to know are celebrities now Later, some people, like Noha, befriended me thinking I'd be a rung on the social ladder Those people I don't mind disappointing It's very hard to stop the reflex to be whatever someone wants me to be It helped me avoid getting beaten and it's just a hardwired survival instinct now The only person I could never really read was Axel We met when we were 15 I went to a public high school in Florida It was very weird switching from an international British private school with Saudi royalty and oil children to a public high school in Florida He had giant blond round curly hair and he grew up in Alaska, so it was a big adjustment for him too He was smart, laconic and bitingly funny His older brother was in my AP English class-- he spoke in a bombastic way and had a braided beard I only paid attention to him for information about Axel But people mistook it for interest "Sarah's into Brendaaaan" And because I didn't understand I was supposed to keep crushes to myself, I said "Oh no, no-- I just like his little brother, he's cute" to their stunned faces Of course Axel heard almost immediately and never said anything, for which I will always be grateful He just sat beside me and asked about my day and looked for me at lunch And burned me Weezer CDs, of course When my family moved back to Riyadh for my senior year (things were bad after 9/11) -- he somehow got my email address and we talked for over 10 years He studied astrophysics, he got to do SETI research He switched to geology at some point I have no idea where he is now Maybe Nevada I loved and still love him -- I felt like I was holding him back He wouldn't pursue people and I could tell he really liked a girl he worked with But the point is Axel didn't want anything from me He just loved me, he loved me in my weird hijabi phase, when I was obnoxious, when I was vulnerable I didn't think it was possible I could encounter somebody so rare, so early in life Every day I wish for somebody I can feel safe with Writing in this diary feels safe It's so comforting to be witnessed I find myself looking forward to getting cozy and typing up an entry The days don't blur together anymore and I tell myself, remember to write about this And when I'm collecting a moment, it feels so different Maybe the moment knows it's loved and loves me back I thought I'd be crying in the first 100 countdown, I thought for sure no ciggies would break me 30 days of moderate activity is making me a blubbery mess |