25 can't bloop I broke down Baba screamed and cursed at me When I cry he panics When he panics he gets abusive Doesn't even have anything to do with him Aside from the fact that he's so emotionally needy if I'm sad I have to console him at the same time and tell him it's not his fault so I don't get abused That makes me scared to be sad This is where my therapist says I'm surprisingly self aware and I give myself a pat pat He's such a vampire But he's old and kind of a mess And he's my father And mama's gone When they thought I was moving to San Francisco he and my brother completely fell apart I was only gone a few months But I found them all giddy at the airport, hanging on my every word, carrying my bags When I left, they didn't even call Not for weeks They called when my guilt wore off and I was happy, it was like they could smell it I'm sitting at the beach cafe now I saw tante Angel on the way "*sigh* Your father. Difficult." Understatement, tante I cried into mango juice for a bit and stared at the waves Ombré blues and greens If you don't have hugs readily available The sea feels like a hug I wrote a small essay explaining why I was upset and how it really had nothing to do with him personally "What about ME? I NEVER burden yooou but I am more stressed and very sick' No baba you're just 'peaceful'-- this is a family joke Baba was extolling his zen, stoic attitude to friends at a party and we all burst out laughing Every time he flipped out my sister would yell "YOU SEEE I AM SO BEACEFUUUL" And then we all joined in because he is CONSTANTLY flipping out and there's no emotional air for anyone else no literal air either, he's been chain smoking in our faces since we were kids --- He was rushing me out the car, I was carrying a bunch of things, my very expensive nail broke I realised we weren't getting WiFi because of Muslim new years He barked at me to put everything away, set the table for lunch I started hand washing the dishes, staring teary eyed at my nails "What are you doing that for, I'm hungry" And what do you propose we eat off of? "OooOOooo comme tu veux" THIS IS NOT WHAT I BLOODY VEUX I was trying to access this government site to check my traffic violations and I kept getting an error, he insisted we ask my brother for help who * shock and awe* led us to the same error "Baba I'll just check for you on my Visa payment app" (emphasis on "you" as in FUCK YOU SARAH) "GREAT I have no violations Sarah, your brother solved it" "...I wanted...to check my..." and I broke down The floodgates opened Week 1, Cat in laws shit marriage, working with no WiFi and being a host between scripts Week 2, Violent cramps in my room, I was prepared to console myself and I did Week 3, just as the grannies make peace and I begin to swim and flirt--we're back to Cairo, my aunt is dying, a fucked up arrest, I somehow get work done on my phone, I'm scammed into SHIT nails And I just couldnt stop crying I didn't have the energy to coddle grumpy pants and I didn't have the energy to fight and I cried "WHAT IS THIS NOW, UFF. Disgusting, DISGUSTING. GET OUT OF MY FACE GET OUT" He only sounds horrible because he is Last week he bought me clothes with Tante Z They're pretty I'm wearing one of the dresses now Drinking warm milk and honey with cinnamon sticks (it's a popular remedy for menstrual cramps/inflammation in general--also yum) Someone's playing Fayrouz on the beach I keep hearing 'Baktob esmak" --I write your name It's song about women's silent labor and men's legacies, it stings Everyone looks like they're dreaming Soft jaws, soft faces, heavy eyelids I think they're getting hugs too Wouldn't it be funny if Islam walked out of the water like in that Bond movie? I ordered sweet dumplings A woman with a leg tattoo in a sheer pink dress just walked past me and her scent lit up my brain That was almost a full bloop Oh well Going to stare at the sea and eat fried dough |