90 Miriam Margolyes I like Miriam Margolyes because she seems Publicly at least She seems like she sometimes enjoys making people uncomfortable by unapologetically being herself She sometimes makes me uncomfortable But I always like and respect her I want to feel like I think she feels I want to enjoy it Because I make people uncomfortable And yes, I don't apologise for being myself --but I still feel... Not bad exactly but I feel like my system, my nervous system is in fight or flight every time I feel unsettled And being queer and being autistic and having cptsd And being a third culture kid/child of the diaspora or whatever they call mushy alien identity people now Oh and having a chronic pain condition All of that stuff that I can't change even if I wanted to It makes people really uncomfortable and often too So most social interaction is rattling to me And I feel like a human maraca It took so much effort to craft a bunch of different masks And just when I thought I'd maybe figured out how to efficiently navigate through society I realised the masks were hurting me a lot And now it takes a herculean effort to be authentic Not even because I'm scared to be, which I am sometimes But because I had the masks so long that I often have no idea who authentic me is in a given situation Even though I've made a very diligent effort over the past ten years to figure that out. Now I know I like lemon mint soda, the smell and taste of anything citrus in general. And I don't really like falafel but I'll eat them. I like bright colors. Through a complicated series of events I feel like I have to be everybody's mom but I actually just need a mom. I know a little bit about authentic me. But who am I at office parties? Or in a book club? No idea And also- It's so much easier in the moment to be exactly who people need me to be (unless they want genuine confidence or leadership or a life partner) It's easy because it's my instinct/reflex to mould myself into the most peaceful, non threatening thing-- I learned that to not get beaten to death as a kid And it's easier because comfy people don't want to have intense, inopportune debates or talk about you to other people Comfy people don't posture from a place of ego But you know what Psychopaths are super zen And I'm tired of maneuvering around all the sometimes fucking awful comfy people in my life And sometimes fucking awful people need to be the maracas And I mean I could be eaten by a shark My cousins Belarusian wife shoved a video in my face of the guy who got eaten by a shark in Hurghada with no warning See, she could've been a maraca in that moment I could've screamed and said ASK FIRST IF I WANT TO HAVE NIGHTMARES I turned down cat sitting their SEVEN cats So baby steps I guess And one day Miriam Margolyes steps And I'll eat their discomfort for breakfast Nyamnyamnyam |