Doubting my doubt to trick myself into the faith my love deserves, I deserve (and donuts) I am terrified of being happy. He's shown me this. He made me happy and pointed it out and once I was conscious of it -- a gate slid open and sheer terror flooded in, he bundled me up in his arms and said he wanted me to see -- and somewhere in my mind--the strong, fair person I can be, laughed and clapped as my eyes welled up with hot tears I have misheard and misread and misinterpreted things that my loved ones have said and done thousands and thousands of times, and I do it because I remember I was hurt and I was abandoned I have been less afraid, I've conquered my paranoia before and there is evidence of it on this diary What I am afraid of has already happened to me -- what I am afraid of has not broken me -- what I am afraid of will only break me if I harden my heart and dont allow myself to risk being broken There is no such thing as wasting love on anyone or anything, it is returned, even if it's in a form I don't expect -- it's returned as wisdom, as happy wrong turns in the right direction -- and maybe this time, as the love I'm slowly learning to feel I deserve It breaks my heart when he says there's nothing to forgive, and when he says my fear is familiar I hope we lighten each other's loads I'm so grateful for K, my sister in arms, who softly tells me to be patient and brave and allow myself time -- and then mentions we could always have some more donuts and I could stop talking like a soap opera :) |