I will, damn it He's gorgeous and everything I love about everyone I've ever met and heard of And then some And it's requited And I'm spending the rest of my life with this wonderful creature And my brain is incapable of processing it And I'm being a miserable cow Did not expect to be a miserable cow Don't want to be a miserable cow now that he's buying the cow I don't understand it Thinking of being with him makes me immensely deeply happy When I imagine sleeping next to him every day it doesn't fill me with dread-- it makes me remember his smell He smells of magic, I pass out cold, even when I'm stressed But thinking of marriage, as in the process Makes me want to hurl chunks Thinking of the months we have to maneuver leading up to it Makes me want to hurl chunks Thinking of getting started on a new career AND trying to sort it out around his (because I'm heteronormative and uncool) AND figuring it out in a different country after being here for unspeakably long Makes me want to hurl chunks and then drown myself in them And it makes everything here feel oddly temporary And he's lovely and understanding and says one day at a time and don't overthink it and is getting me christmas presents over the holiday And is worried we'll break up before I get them in January Which makes me think we're on different pages He's worried we'll break up before January and I'm worried we're unprepared for FOREVER But he seems quietly confident about the prep And has his cool hobbies I don't know what my prep is I guess I slid into his plan but I was still sorting out what mine is My hobbies and interests are buried under mountains of monkeys screaming YOU HAVE THE NEXT FEW MONTHS TO FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU WANT And now I'm not sure how to plan around him I had no idea and now I have no idea plus I have to consider my yummy person He says I'm more together than I think Because he's biased And adorable I love him so much I guess I should focus on the cute things Like breakfast and cuddles and all the movies we'll watch And rapping in the bathroom And metal in the morning, or my shitty 70s pop And drawing designs while he grades papers And the puppy and the kitten And all the things we wanted individually that we now want together And those eyelashes that I need to see every day It's hard for me to be invested in life here knowing that it might all change Maybe that's silly It all changes anyway, moving away doesn't mean I don't get to try here I will Damn it And eventually I'll believe it too |