Tinder My adorable married friend was curious She is not subtle Also half a decade of being with the same person is hard, I'd imagine So I downloaded Tinder again Which has taught me many things Which I will list for you now: 1. Not wanting to date at all is dating world catnip. It's a surprisingly powerful position. I've done nothing but mock and sabotage and yet nobody's been mean to me. 2. Men have very strange ideas about what women want. Babies and fire hydrant penises aren't awful, but also not appropriate pictures for any dating application. 3. The one clever person I accosted (not through tinder) thinks I'm a deranged idiot. This would bother me more if he was taller and had more experience in the sack. And I think this way because I'm a terrible, terrible human being. 4. Declaring celibacy is not an effective filter. I attract virgins and the kind of men who are preoccupied with hymens. (Not gynecologists. Those are acceptable. Sometimes.) 5. I can't pretend years of intimacy. Well I can, but it's insane. And exhausting. I've done it before. A lot. Because sex is fun and I cant sleep with people who arent madly, madly in love with me. See above for why I think this way. 6. I can't start from square 1. I had life inside me. Ive been a beard. I've had non sexual showers with other people. And I developed six years of couple shorthand with a cheating, self absorbed, perpetually stoned dutch man. There is way too much trauma and history for me to shrug off. 7. I don't know how to be ashamed and say I was young. I will never know. I want a big smile in response and nothing less. 8. I play stupid 9. I dont want to date 10. I think I have a date |