lots of sex analogies. my insides feel itchy. my insides feel itchy and instead of scratching them with some sort of impulsive act of rebellion, i'm sitting, i'm doing what i'm told, and letting my insides burn i'm not thinking what i'm told i'm not feeling what i'm told i swam in the sea without speaking to her, all i could fit in was a smile in her general direction--it was like sex without love i miss my last shred of boho life. i miss my last shred of boho friend. he's so far away and i can't speak to him because he wants me. for a long time he was the only one i could speak to, turn off my head and flow with him. i miss him. i can't talk about it. i'm attached. i have to consider another person's head and another person's heart--this makes blogging tricky... i guess i'll make this a message to my fellow hippies-- it's interesting on the other side. less thinking about what you might be, more thinking about what you're not. it's easy to disappear, in every sense of the word. i take that back-- it can be easy to disappear, but if you're awake you stick out like neon on ancient islamic architecture (ie, greeted with distaste, confusion, with both or with acceptance without understanding) and... everybody's scared--so scared--but not the way we're scared... not the alive scared that keeps us moving. they have the paralyzed scared, the monster under your bed scared and it makes them say no a lot they say no to things i wouldn't even have considered saying no to--for them it's a missed opportunity, for me--it's a pause i wouldn't have thought to take they see bogeymen i've never even heard of and could've never imagined--faceless, nameless, omnipotent threats everywhere and they love things. they love things so much. pairing things. cleaning things. collecting things. putting small things in big things. putting things on their bodies. and they're very joyful about it-- not like the joy of pairing thoughts, cleaning heads, putting small hands in big hands, floating above your body-- but it's joy too like a masturbation orgasm--versus a sex orgasm it's interesting, it is. there's a lot to observe on the other side but i'm itchy i'm so itchy and i'll tell you a secret- i'm not going to live here, and i think my visit's nearly over i miss home. i miss strangers and stories. they keep saying hello and i keep saying i'm busy. i'm sorry you guys. i'm sorry sea. i'll come back to you soon. |