cause i miss 3err and i hope he's not dead do you know what i remember, along with all the sunlit happy things that blurred and make me sad now? i remember the way you used to remember--as if truth had descended in a poem that only you could care for. i never thought it was arrogant, i thought it was desperate and lonely--i always did. of course i never told you that, i learned that the hint of the word desperate would send you into hysterics. you don't know how to take criticism. seriously, you don't. i mean not everyone has a nervous breakdown because some batty old ex beauty queen yells at them in class. i might though. don't you get that's what i liked about you? i'm every bit as manic as that pathetic crazy loser you're so anxiously trying to hide. everytime you'd confess you were fragile to me you weren't revealing hidden truths. you never really gave me credit for what i saw in you. i guess you don't like to be in front of cameras. you're more comfortable behind them because you're afraid of what you might see through someone else's eyes. especially my eyes because somehow i was the one that managed to creep into your messy room when you were alone, and into that phase of your life when you were fat and hadn't fully grasped american phraseology--i got to know that person who wasn't really comfortable with her peers or herself at a time when i was exactly the same way and we grew into something really cool. i mean we looked really good and at one point we were just unstoppable. i absolutely loved it. but then somewhere along the way-- you just forgot that any of that ever happened. i mean you talk about my light baggage but that's just how i get through my day, you get into my head at night and i haven't lost one ounce of that insecurity and i don't want to--i don't ever want to lose that, i love that more than any sort of show of functioning well oh sure i want to keep faking confident, i love faking it-- but not around my friends. i can't wear suits all the time. i need pajama time or it all goes wacky and i contemplate setting my room on fire. i bet you didn't know it was as simple as that. and don't even THINK about saying well you could've taken the suit off because everytime i tried you'd tell me 'sarah, you're free' do you realize that you only ever said that when you didn't like me? that's such a fucked up thing to say. even til now i keep meeting people who are incredibly mean to themselves so they think it's okay to be mean to everyone else -- because they're holding them to the same "standard" they set for themselves. it's the principle of it. well sometimes, your principles are STUPID--sometimes they're fucking VACUOUS and INHUMAN and just because you've decided that's what keeps you going doesn't mean you can push that on everyone else in your life. sometimes you have to remember that you were a fat awkward loser who didn't know how to talk to any of the interesting people. don't erase that person because that person was beautiful too. and that person makes you vulnerable and lovable and if you keep killing that nobody's going to hang on. you expressed your concerns about my becoming an awful mother one day, well i'm afraid you'll never get to be one. don't be so proud. it's okay if you made a mistake, if you were wrong, if you said or did something stupid. it's okay if in a game about LYING to people you get lied to-- it's a fucking game. don't push and push and push because eventually a person breaks. you aren't perfect and you can't make people perfect. so stop it. and hug him and don't ignore him when you're around a group of people and don't hate him for disagreeing with you--instead of panicking, take a minute to think that maybe you might be wrong-- and if you're not wrong-- think of how important it is for you to be right. is it more important than not having the one person that loves you be pissed off at you? hopefully that's a no. if it's a yes then you should just stop talking to people. you're a psycho. no, really, go live in a cave far far away from people, and you can't have a pet either. |