recycled, stifled and sleep deprived i remember holding my new recycled science notebook in the seventh grade while my teacher beamed down at the class proudly announcing that we were helping the environment all i could think is, this is new, but old and it doesn't feel as good it feels like notebook carcasses sewn together in an attempt to be pretty again that's how i feel, i feel like frankenstein's bride and maybe i'm supposed to feel this until i'm in a position to feel otherwise but that just sounds like bullshit if waiting for my life to start the first time didn't work then why on earth should it work now i wish i could live big in anticipation of living bigger i had that until it all went to hell somehow something about my parents' hearts breaking and another future planned out that i was completely unaware of and the reality of the near future that i hadn't fully absorbed kind of shot the hell out of living in the now everything's heavy at night except my eyelids and i want to be in love with myself again |