masc femme lesbian pansexual who wants love but it's impossible I've grown up at least partially as a boy When I was a child with short hair who kept roughhousing with the other boys Online where I learned to stop adding my gender to profiles to avoid the endless barrage of penis, and was by default assumed to be a man because I had loud opinions and not pink font And in university, I was the shorthaired butch inside but femme outside student who confused closeted gay men and closeted submissive (probably straight) trans women and bisexual women I also really frustrated several lesbians I was post gender and pansexual before it was cool I have the confidence and unadulterated rage of a man but I don't direct it at people who are weaker than me I want to wrestle In a literal sense, in bed, I don't want to constantly be some kind of dommy mommy and I don't want to just starfish and be a pillow princess In a figurative sense, I want an interplay of power dynamics in any relationship, I want to take charge of someone who chooses to obey with a glint in their eyes and a smile in the corner of their mouths And I want someone with the strength to be challenging so I get to coyly say yes ma'am/sir as they spank me over to my work desk or treadmill or dreaded social event I want someone who makes me taste the food they're cooking and does 3D jigsaw puzzles with me I want someone who has their shit together, and if they don't, is actively taking steps to get their shit together I want someone who has space for me -- actually scratch that I want someone who has a "please fill in this decorated and waiting void" for me I want to be the baby sometimes I want to be seen and I don't want to fight for that I want someone with an insatiable curiosity about how my head works I want someone who makes me laugh, belly laugh, until I cry I want someone who loves the beach and will find it amusing that I've never seen and am somewhat frightened of snow I want somebody who talks to me with music I want somebody who will follow me everytime I'm angry and run off down the stairs or the street, or walk to another beach town, or get out of the car in the rain and hold my hand until I'm better and kiss me when I am I want someone to understand my anger scares me and I turn it on myself or literally run away and I need to know that I'm still loved I want someone who will braid my hair to calm down and play with my hair when they're distracted I want someone who expresses their anger directly, not passively but still needs to know that they're loved I want someone who's extroverted but with a social battery that drains I want somebody with a beautiful inner world, so we can be alone when we're together I want someone who wants to share their family and their friends, and asks me for advice I want someone who doesn't give me butterflies and dreams, someone who feels familiar and safe I've been with people who have some but never all of those qualities Am I an Elton John song? |