The OG Em? So the first (out and open) transfem enby I ever dated was Em in San Francisco We met at a BDSM cafe She had pink hair and a black coat and was petite and adorable Five years ago, I walked into her house which had a living room that was 70 percent boxes, a room with enormous sticker printing machines (that she made activist slogans on), and my favorite-- A giant open pantry cupboard that was full of candy from around the world and I eee-d at the Kopiko, because at that point I hadn't had that particular brand of coffee candy in ages (and I was still a coffee fiend just pushing through the palpitations and gut/butt violating diarrhea) She taught me that it was Indonesian and she also thought it was Japanese initially Speaking of Japanese Her toilet Her glorious seat warming pulsating bidet on different modes Japanese toilet I gasped And she thought I was insane I was genuinely tearing up and I babbled about how I'm so tired of showering every time and how everyone in the middle east uses a shatafa (bidet) and I keep forgetting and walking in and immediately out of public toilets like a weirdo And she laughed and said come by and use my futuristic toilet anytime She was polyamorous, originally from New York and in tech (which I've learned from Nour is apparently quite common) We talked about her girlfriend and polyamory and rules for a bit We talked about cultural differences We ahem-ed And she kept inviting me over I tried vegan mac-n-cheese for the first time And she let me use her electric toothbrush (different head because I don't love anyone enough to want their plaque in my mouth) She laughed at my terrified reaction to it At some point I got my period and she got up and immediately got dressed I thought there was an emergency and asked if she was okay And she goes yeah I'm just going to get you tampons-- or do you prefer pads? But...so kind? I didn't even...ask? So nice?! I short circuited And she scoffed and said it's basic decency and waved me back into bed with mi casa es su casa I was so confused by the trust and generosity I just sat in bed Eventually I wandered around her home staring at her souvenirs and figurines Reading the different languages on the candy wrappers She went everywhere and was so independent It was so strange to me as an Easterner, we're all tied to/supported by our families forever and have to stage a mini revolution for any space She really took care of me And when I left to Egypt, she contacted me asking me if I wanted to meet her in Berlin I told her I was too broke and she offered to pay for everything I was too traumatized by trusting shithead Remoun to risk it again so soon She was disappointed and told me not to disappear And then in an impulsive fit I deleted my Facebook And I lost touch with so many people I was overwhelmed, too much family talking about mama, high school people from Florida, high school people from Riyadh, university friends, Egyptian family being snoopy and conservative I just didn't know how to compartmentalize anymore and poof Everybody was gone forever And then I realized Em Em was gone forever too And I was devastated Today, for whatever reason, I went through my text messages backed up on Google and found her number We were so gooey and warm with each other I sent her a message saying, I don't know if you remember me or if this is still your number, but this is Sarah (short description) from 2019 and here's my email address I then thought to search my Instagram contact list WHERE I HAD HER THE WHOLE FREAKIN TIME I hope she has some vague memory of me Probably not, but it would be lovely if she did I wonder what she looks like now I wonder if I should try California again? In a less insane, more thought out way I hope she doesn't think I'm a nutter |