Potato in distress I hate panic attacks They're horrible My chest hurts My palpitations feel like they're banging on my eardrums My throat closes The world is dark and cold I feel terror, I feel alone But more than all of that I hate that it takes so much energy to express what I'm feeling I hate that I'm used to them and good at masking I hate being expected to trust people Psychiatrists and even people I love When they aren't vulnerable with me When they're masking It makes me feel like one of PT Barnum's freaks I hate that I can recognize manipulation but I don't have the ethos to call it out I'm unwell and have to acknowledge I might be wrong I might be wrong I might be wrong I might be right? You might be wrong And everyone's a little bit unwell Maru can't see beyond a hot boy and mutual goals/benefit -- he's honest about that, I can't get too heavy, he cant handle it Mou and Saf are very reasonable and generous -- I can trust them Nou means well, sometimes she saves me and sometimes she pushes me back into the deep end -- I can't fully trust her, I do trust her with some things but I have to pick my time and situation Beebo-- despite being the youngest, is very emotionally intelligent. He reads subtext very well, especially AuDHD subtext and balances the line between necessary advice and emotional support with incredible grace. However, he's a baby and has a shitty demanding job and is not always available (weird hours) Emma-- it's very high stakes, she's a mama, she's recently divorced, she's exploring her queer identity, there's flirty tension there and I can see Nou working overtime to repress jealousy when I bring her up-- not a viable line for emotional support And finally, the therapist and the drugs -- I really hope it works out I'll try hard to build social connections And I hope things between Nou and I evolve too At the moment, this position is quite shit |