After the storm I had a horrible panic attack trying to plan my lessons I couldn't think straight I called Nou and she talked me through it She's an AuDHD whisperer I think I was very guilty and very grateful Maru is too burdened by the move, Koji is from Gaza, Mou and Saf don't check messages, Beebo is at work She was very kind She told me how to fight "the task" First you walk away from "the task" and you breathe and wait for the stabby elephant on chest feeling to pass Then you do something that isn't "the task" Then you lie down and breathe some more and picture doing the task If you can't picture it then don't force yourself to do it and try to do it after sleeping If you can picture it, then try to do it And keep telling yourself that it passes, it's not forever and it passes I finished the task She said remember this moment and how you feel and know that it passes I said I'd try I'm tired of panicking all the time I joined an online queer group too and I saw a resource page for therapists Maybe medication might help But I don't want to go through withdrawal again It's always a gamble with therapists, I mean even Dr. Curly posted Jordan Peterson videos I don't want to spend money to feel more hopeless I'd rather just drive out to Beebo, give him a hug, cave in to whatever partying he has planned, get concerned when he drinks too much, put him in an Uber and drive home before it's past my bedtime And there's Emma too, she got caught up in her new teaching job and then I was unwell I'll try to poke her soon Maybe I do have another mirror girl and I forgot about it We dated the same people and had the same jobs We have the same interests, discovered our sexuality at the same time Yeah! Emma That balances things out a bit |