27 vampire It happened again Stressed and sad No work space, baba yelling at me in front of the construction guys This is his favorite game, yell at me like I'm some ogre in front of strangers He did it this morning at the grocery store because he had an upset stomach "But I never burden yoooou Sarah" I know he's a narcissist, I know Decades of therapy that I paid for since I was a teenager, I really do know So the internet was shit, I was hungry, I was humiliated in front of strangers for wanting to shower and work Tears in eyes And like clockwork "You are disgusting. You cry in front of my food? You don't have the decency to go to your room?" <--all screams, I'm too tired to look at screamy text so not caps locking Baba, why don't you go to your room if you're so stressed? * shocked pikachu face * "You disrespectful bitch" You realize I'm saying exactly what you're saying to me You're upset about me spoiling your food but you want me to go to my room when I haven't eaten since I got home "So good with words Sarah, but God will punish you" I went to my room, dressed up Called K and asked if they had WiFi while gulping down tears Ran outside, down the stairs, told K I'm not sure if I can hang out K said she'd ask about the WiFi and call me back I ran down the street Found a bench Sat, stared Cried into my hands Emailed my boss and said I couldn't download the packet He sent me a Google drive link Wiped my face Came back to the apartment K called and said her brother (the one I'm spoken for apparently) has portable WiFi Told her there was no need, I solved it and cried on a bench and I'm fine now and just as I'm about to close the door to my room Baba pushes it open He overheard and was enraged Why are you in my room? Sorry K I have to go Baba grabs my laptop and lifts it up And I snap Oh, good. Why don't you break the only thing the only thing the only thing that allows me to earn a living and keeps me sane. See what fucking happens if you do. <--screams Yes, I can scream too. * shocked pikachu face, the sequel * He spat at me but put down the laptop and screamed some disgusting things I closed my eyes, covered my ears and screamed GET OUT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP over and over and rocked until it was quiet Got up and locked the door Started working K called "It's not your fault" I know "You want to come over and work here?" I'll have to face him again anyway so no but thank you "Don't go back to Cairo like last time, that's what he wants" I know, I won't, I'll come out tomorrow I just need to be alone for a bit This is when the therapist says she's proud of me for confronting him and I give myself a pat pat Or when Maru says come over and lists a really elaborate menu Before it was when I would chainsmoke until I coughed and threw up Or finish a bottle of vodka in my closet and throw up Or I'd sleep on someone's couch or in someone's tub-- or if I was unlucky, in someone's bed He's too old to hit me now Mama was more physically abusive but she was also abused He doesn't have that excuse I want to feel good I want to be in San Francisco, on that tree on the hill with Bridget Why did I come back? Why do I always feel sorry for him? Why doesn't he ever feel sorry for me? |