Day 31 I stopped crying I don't know where the loneliness attack came from I suspect many fronts 1- I didn't get to feel the weight of moving back into my flat because of the dinner invitations and cramps from satan. 2- I miss my addictions. I miss nicotine, caffeine and sugar. This one was sneaky. I knew I was numbing myself to a lot. Despite expecting it all to hit at some point I was lulled into a false sense of yoga high security. Beware the yoga high. 3. I'm grieving my family. I know they're right there but it's not the same. I don't talk like I did, I don't capitulate anymore and they don't like that. It hurts. A lot. 4. Even though I've barely started, planning to move is overwhelming. It's not even the planning, it's the hoping. I'm not used to holding hope in my body. I'm really scared. 5. Speaking of hope. Ozzy. Not used to thinking about a partner. We're so different and it's so challenging. Not just because he's 14360 km/8923 miles away. Even the ways we're the same are challenging. We're both addressing intergenerational trauma and more recent trauma. We're both on the spectrum. We both have shit attachment styles. We're both queer. We're both trying to build stable looking lives in a dumpster fire with nothing but sheer willpower. 6) Freelancing gigs are drying up and I'm panicking. There's a currency devaluation looming over every conversation and everybody's on edge. My friend's mantra "the sense of urgency is not real" -- it doesn't work anymore. The urgency is real and I need to make some decisions fast before my savings shrink again. So I cried for a day I cried on my laptop and on the floor and rolled into a blanket and cried in my human burrito Ozzy was very gentle and soft and sweet And that made me cry so much harder I applied to more posts I found out where the cool Egyptian heathens are hiding and swapping financial advice and memes and recipes Marko and Kojak were a comfort too People started poking when my tears dried up Sometimes it's relieving to just be a puddle Release the stiff upper lip It wasn't stiff, it was wobbling all over the place HA you failed British educators *fist shake* I feel a bit lighter and tired in a good way |