oh wow So S randomly sent me very abusive texts after 3 years of forgetting that he existed and zero contact They said "you're abusive you b*tch!" Something along those lines At first I laughed, because ludicrous man is ludicrous Then I felt sad for him and that I'm living rent free in his twisted and small head So I decided to respond peacefully and give him the chance to save face "Are you quite well" -- not in sarcastic british voice "I'm sorry you're mentally and emotionally a steaming pile of garbage" -- but with empathy "Don't be embarrassed, I'll assume you were drunk and forget about it!" --I thought this bit was very kind but my sister said you don't tell people you think they're drunk She also didn't understand why I didn't instantly block him (more on this later) Of course, he doubled down on the abuse and reiterated that I was an abuser So I blocked him because I'm better at boundaries now And also because I genuinely think he's capable of violence and I don't want to be in his incel shooters manifesto But I decided I would like to rant somewhere and I remembered diaryland! And I remembered my password! And I took off the lock! Here I am! I missed you. No I genuinely did. You were my first parasocial relationship before that was a term. You, imaginary blog audience (and at one point my real friend M, who's getting married nooow, isn't that nuts?) Hello my loves 😊 I feel like I walked into an old familiar house, I want to spin around and sniff everything Ah the rant, yes Let's do that bit first and then I'll catch you up later 🤗 My strongest memories of S are the times he would come down to my neighborhood in Cairo when his mom had cancer. We would go for walks. He was a less socially aware narcissist back then so he openly complained about how his mom had let the housework go. Of course the cancer was upsetting too but mainly he wanted mama to make him a sandwich and tidy things up. And I was an idiot, I thought I was helping him 'process' so I answered the calls, I went on the walks. My parents are narcissists, I was recreating the pattern, he felt familiar, very cliche Also everyone else was quite rapey, and to his credit he managed to pass that low...basically underground...bar Sooo the pattern played itself out, he ran over a poor old lady and called me to process being a manslaughter-er, decided he would make it okay by one day procreating and naming the baby after unfortunate pedestrian victim. Aaaand then he did a bunch of stand up about crossing the road in Egypt that gave me creepy chills and made me want to yell HES NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE THOSE JOKES EVERYBODY. But I didnt. Ijust sat with my uncomfy white people tight lipped smile and thought, hey maybe this is his bizarre recovery process, whatever keeps him from being a serial killer I guess At some point he got a teaching degree, he made a calling schedule for me so he wouldn't be distracted. It was an expensive course and I had to treat his study time with reverence. I remember he cancelled a date with me to take a colleague to lunch, it was so last minute I was already in the cab. I listened to my spidey senses and told the driver to keep going to the british council. I found him walking out with the cute shy potential side piece who didnt know she was a side piece. I forced myself to grin and say "Im sorry can I steal my boyfriend for lunch" in the most singsongy way possible. When, in his car, I finally couldnt hold in the tears any longer he angrily assured me he was taking her to lunch to let her know he had a girlfriend. Riiight. I made him buy me food. Years and many break ups later it was my turn to get a teaching degree. I was on my own in the dorms in Alexandria, then eventually my friend K joined me. Oh we need to do a long rant about K one day. Anyway it was at that point that S decided to do a hit and run, some poor guy on a motorcycle. Still don't know if he's alive or dead to this day. Naturally, he felt it was my duty to be his therapist again. My early classes didn't matter. And asking for scheduled calls was so deeply insulting to him he hounded me for days. I had to ask his mother to stop him from harassing me. That's a lot, Sarah Yes, yes it is my loves But there's more Eventually, S defies all odds and actually gets married. On the first night of his honeymoon he called me at 3am. I thought his mom had passed away because he was crying. Nope. He was upset because his wife refused to sleep with him. "You should probably talk to her about that" I groggily replied. We're still not done. Several several years later, his wife runs away with the baby (named after pedestrian victim). I feel sorry for him. By this point my mama had passed away and my adventures with the San Francisco predator had left me quite sentimental. He invites me to play dungeons and dragons with his edge lord stoner friends who make a bunch of homophobic/misogynistic jokes and the creep master guy turns every situation into elf rape. I vomit from the hash cloud and feel too unwell to go home. Of course I regret spending the night and as the regret mounts, I end it days later while freaking out about not being able to afford a possible abortion. Unsurprisingly, the mask lifts and in the middle of the abusive tirade he attempts to pressure me into keeping the possible unwanted child. I have endometriosis. Before my treatment, I hated getting my period, to say it's excruciating is an understatement. But I was never more grateful to bleed in my entire life. That was 3 going on 4 years ago people. Not a peep in either direction. But yesterday he decides to call me an abusive bitch. Presumably for not replacing his estranged wife and child? I've always felt that in another dimension where I didn't break the cycles of intergenerational trauma-- I'm living life as his miserable prey. In a way, I'm grateful. Sometimes I feel stagnant. I want a better CV, I compare myself to my business owner friends. I want to eat right and exercise more and it takes so much energy and therapy for me not to go to my default of being incredibly harsh on myself. Those messages reminded me how far away I am from the life I was almost fated to lead. And I'm grateful to be motivated to figure out how to unlock this diary 😊 It makes me so happy. I'll be back soon. |