I did the thing! I'm in San Francisco, I DID THE THING I like saying that I've been so blessed to meet a wonderful soul Bridget is family and generous guidance and so many things I gave up hoping for Leaving Egypt was something I gave up hoping for But I did it anyway I did the thing I can do the things I don't dare to dream of I used to say "practice before belief" She also said I came here in a way that I knew my excuses and my comfort monster couldn't follow That was a revelation I was beating myself up about coming here knowing Remoun was Remoun It didn't occur to me that there may have been a good reason for that I think it's true Today, my body gave out My body said no and protected me Thank you body, I haven't been nice to you but you've always done your best by me Today the sounds of bullets and finding myself running and crying with everyone before I even understood what was happening shook me But I was grateful to this body, it's not that I had to listen, it's that I wanted to listen to it When mama was dying she said I'm done with this body, like she was disgusted with it Every time I think of mama it feels like more pain than I can bear But I do bear it and sometimes I can smile about her I'm convinced she's a bird I saw her by my bed in the shelter My parents loved me the best they could with their very broken hearts But it wasn't enough, it was harmful and I don't want to be heartbroken too. I don't have to be Today I learned more about Mexican food and sang La Tortura as I ate pozole Every one is so beautiful here, every tree is so so beautiful here Sometimes I think, how could I possibly feel scared or feel bad with all this beauty around me I went to a native American sweat lodge ceremony The smell of the trees once I opened the car door The aura of light around the horses Bridget's sweet bouncing and powerful strides as she prepared the area and snacks The vulnerability of the strong and very masculine men Steven's soft and pained pleas for help were so powerful and made me feel so safe in the presence of 3 strange men I never thought it could be like this The heat burned out the monsters in my head as their throaty songs vibrated in the thick wet burning air The dark threw me into this formless and powerful world that exists beneath the surface of this life I met my Mama's Mama's Mama, the creator, I felt her She's so generous to me even when I'm so stingy with myself When I fell back into the freezing cold creek I was reminded of the baptisms I had watched growing up But no one was dipping me into the water I was my priestess that day And I knew--with a resolve that I never quite felt before, even when I'd made the biggest and bravest actions in my life-- that I can not tolerate the violence I've made a home in anymore It's not home. It hurts. I'm here for a new way. |