- Every blue moon I have a Cuba Libre with the boy who saved my life A very long time ago I was suicidal No, that's not completely accurate I've been suicidal since then But a very long time ago I was stupid enough to go through with it I was alone enough And he very kindly decided I shouldn't be Over the years I've seen people take advantage of that kindness he showed me It used to make me angry Not that people were cruel to him That he was kind to them after they'd been cruel It developed into anger because I couldn't argue against the reason I'm alive It festered I had to watch him be hurt by the quality that helped me I felt like it was my fault But I hadn't been cruel, I didn't make him kind and neither of us are Jesus I just happened to fall into his pattern of rescuing people and just happened to genuinely want rescuing And maybe a rum and coke every other year My best friend's been reckoning with her patterns And tracing scars to their unsurprising origins It's tedious and painful to know what you already know And I'm jealous I want to know what I already know She said I should address them-- Everyone I keep thinking I don't want to think about She said I could write letters I figured I'd talk to them here It's why I started this thing and the other diaries before it But I forgot along the way I guess this is letter one --- C-- When I get anxious or tired your name slips out I hate it I know when I have feelings for someone now, because their name temporarily replaces yours But you come back Like a fungus You gave me my best friend You gave me orgasms and I didn't know they'd be so rare after you It's maddening that you can be responsible for that and be an utterly pathetic, contemptible human being at the same time For years I tried to reconcile it I couldn't understand how you could love me so much and be such a horrible person I wondered if that meant I was horrible or you somehow weren't But you were and are. And you loved me. In your confused and broken way And I felt it It's so annoying, it's so frustrating that I can see through big beautiful romantic overtures now because of your stupid, fucked up sincere love And I hate that I've left much better human beings than you because they didnt love me as much as you I hate that you hurt my best friend I love her more than anyone on the planet and you hurt her in the most selfish, careless, cowardly way But you brought us together and I can't erase you I can't make you fade away because you have a part in all of the stories that shaped my adult life and I don't understand how that's possible Im always going to love you and it's infuriating If they invented a way to switch it off tomorrow, you're the only person I'd carve out of my chest without hesitation It's not fair that nobody's felt as good as you It's been so long Ive fucked so many people How can it be you You're mean and dumb and perverted You were rude or downright cruel to everyone I ever cared about So why did you feel good and safe Why were nicer people pushy and violent Why did they hurt Why were you the one who looked at me like I was some kind of miracle Why were you the one who noticed when my eyes changed and the little things you can't fake Why were you so fundamentally terrible at everything else? I hate you, affectionately, forever You prick |