low i broke down today my body did i thought i was fine but i suddenly couldn't breathe and i fainted i feel so humiliated it was hard to move and it was hard to chew food and i feel like i wasn't there for K on her big day i feel too tired to be angry but i'm too angry to cry properly and i just want everything to be different i want new skin and a new face and new eyes my veins hurt and he's sending me jokes about my father my veins burn and i cant laugh when i try to it feels far away as if the surface of the water is shuddering a little but deep below it's still and quiet and oppressively empty i feel stupid i feel so stupid i feel like all i had was that im not an idiot about these things and he took that and just when i was starting to feel better before he reeled me back in and just when i felt close to him he pushed me away i feel like some dirty play thing that he doesn't have to apologize to or consider or look at he doesn't have to know i'm here i feel like a thing i feel like he cares about me as much as his computer or maybe less and i feel so embarrassed because i was real and i wasn't playing and i was small and i said yes more than i said no i feel like i let myself be his thing he called me docile and laughed about it and i felt so degraded but i didnt say a word why didn't i say anything? and now i can't say anything. there's no point. and he's sending jokes. |