Wrong
Written @ 10:06 p.m. on 2006-11-24
I'm going to attempt to list all the things I was wrong about now
Which is difficult for a self-proclaimed, self-righteous bitch
I mean
I've been mistaken, misinformed, confused
But never outright wrong before
I'm selfish in all the wrong ways.
For someone who's incredibly well loved, I treat those who love me most terribly
I used to worry about authenticity but now I've gotten to a point where I don't even know what that is
Khalid taught me that.
I love his act. It controls him and he's aware of it.
I worried about my future but it doesn't worry about me...not in the least.
Jan taught me that.
Nora is fulfilling whether she knows it or not and she's taught me that I choose
I choose everything I am not
I'm almost proud of it
And the countless strangers that I pretended were real to me...even though I never allowed that
Axel and Eric and the faces I meet through Sara that I never really process
and Rehaam who I worry about
I dont know why I'm threatened by her
by Suad too to a lesser degree
and my family who change everyday --instead of being a collection and conclusion of the past are... something different altogether --something I've never known
and i'm disoriented in new ways everyday but always self-obsessed and i'm sure no one would believe i try to run away from that
and before, i could do that, re-invent
pack up, discard
i'm starting to see what longterm means and i was wrong
i was very wrong to want this
because it doesnt exist.
longterm is not static, longterm is the most painful kind of dynamic because it happens without the scenery changing and you have to watch the things you've grown to love fade away and die
i've settled now and i realize that i dont have the luxury of ellipsis
i fantasized today about chasing summer.
wouldn't it be wonderful to never feel cold again?
i hate change, i really do hate it
it scares me and its overbearing and even worse-- its natural
i hate being made to feel unnatural
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