ready for take off questions are more powerful than answers listening is more powerful than speaking today i prayed to a pink light. i know we aren't supposed to have mental images of God in Islam-- but for most of my life God was male. at first he was unforgiving and aloof. later i saw him as more fatherly. he isn't human. but all i know is humanity. so today i prayed for humanity. for men and women, and i tried to see that thing, that core, that essence that makes us human and all the same. it felt good. it came out looking like a pink light (dont ask), but what i felt was more important. fresh is obsessed with feelings and i am obsessed with ideas today those two obsessions came together and opened me a little it felt good to pray again i couldnt for a while. it felt fake. i'd lost touch with why and who until eventually i just forgot how--but today i did something about it. excuses are my weakness because they make me feel like passivity is strength--and it's not, it's just being a zombie and allowing anything and everything to influence you. it's my fault i can't decide. and it's my opportunity. i know what i want and i've always known. i can't hide behind a fucked up head. everyone has a fucked up head. i want to be self sufficient.
today i rememebered something abier (my shrink) said and it changed a lot she told me i was having a midlife crisis in my teens and that it wasn't something to feel ashamed of, but something to celebrate-- because it marks growth. i forgot that when i "graduated" from the counselling center. i thought it was over--but you never stop growing. i'll reinvent myself thousands of times. God will be different in five years/ten years my priorities, my desires will change and i have to embrace that i have to put up with the turbulence if i want to land. and i will. |