messy basically i'm not going to be happy until i stop intensely fearing death (more specifically the death of loved ones) the whole religion thing worked until the fine print made itself disturbingly apparent and now i'm confused and it upsets people that i dont get over it/move on but funnily enough i dont get any appealing alternatives to assist me in that whole 'getting happy' process the only people i DO understand are the ones who are just as depressed about the whole predicament as i am and have numbed themselves into taking responsibility for everything and renouncing accountability to anything-- unfortunately they're ridiculed for not having a more 'gung ho'/save the babies philosophy + they're too abstract for anyone to have the balls to say they understand where they're coming from with any authority so naturally lil' ol' barely out of teendom me couldn't POSSIBLY relate to the utter alienation that results from knowing too much and nothing at all but it doesnt matter because i understand that its not a proper ANSWER and it isnt meant to be misinterpretation makes little things inside my brain twitch in RAGE stop underestimating my "depressing" conclusions! stop overestimating my social capabilities! but you wont because you dont even know who you are or what it is that you do to people or that i'm bothered because all you see in me is what you hate most in yourself like my self-obsession, my random flashes of pride, my stubbornes, my relentless ability to prove how awkward i am ALL THE TIME its a lot easier looking in the mirror than looking at your reflection in other people, its one of the reasons i can't "chill out" anymore not being able to stand company is not necessarilly wishing to be alone its just not like that jazz said it best: ...how messy things can be --the most insightful thing i've heard all winter |