low so i'm in a band called 'salbeh' lebanese for exotic. so i don't want to die but i don't want to live and i'm not sure where that leaves me. so i'm not going to quit smoking anytime soon. so i guess i have friends that love me. so i guess my dad doesn't hate me. so what... ------- i wrote a new song ------ sitting in another doctors office a poor unfortunate sweet girl herself. ------- i feel sick all the time but the worry isnt and i dont want to bitch i really really really dont want to ======= i can't look at my phone. it hurts. ------ i'm not ready. ----- sara's film is brilliant. ---- olive loves nonie. and i'm afraid. ---- i dont know i dont know i dont know i wish i could stop being funny then maybe they'd stop expecting it because i don't want to laugh ---- you have to be complete in your own right, before you can be complete with someone else and i can't be whole now. and i don't know how i'll ever be whole. ---- life is the blurring of a focused picture you see the intricacies of these once defined boundaries its stepping forward, leaning so far into a van gogh that it stops making sense this clear idea is just a bunch of colorful dots -- it makes me dizzy i want to vomit but i haven't eaten yet -- is this the diary of someone who is losing their mind? can you blame someone for being crazy? i am angry i am irate i am boiling which is useless it hurts me more than it could ever hurt anyone else --- if you knew me solely through my diaries, would you make the connection would you ever think that these thoughts come from a bubbly girl that covers her hair that laughs a little too loudly its wrong to judge but i do it anyway and so do you --------- how much of this is pretend? the most important thing to me is human connection i think thats real i think thats all that matters it used to be important to me-- to know but what use is that when you die what does it matter how smart or successful you are my brain isnt my soul --------- what is the right thing to say what is unforgivable how do you endure ... i want to endure isn't that what they always say in the stories? the marvel that is the human spirit the ability to endure its supposed to be inspiring or something --------- i acknowledge that right now this is a low and that parts of my thinking are a reflection of this low how much of this is disease its the degree that confuses me and i dont want to indulge and i dont want to give up and i'm here and i'm trying just like all of you. ---- God bless you. You're alive and you don't have to be--so God bless you. ----- i appreciate the opportunity. ---- all my friends are insane and i love that about them i dont trust people that claim to be stable they upset me a little bit mostly i just dont like them, because everyone has weakness and the least you could do is embrace them -------- i have a maghas (tummy ache) in my head i can love arabic in the abstract-- what other language has location-specific pain? i dont seem to be good at studying it i dont seem to be good at studying anything anymore soon i will be seeking help i dont know how yet i kind of miss him but i wonder if its because i feel low -------- its one thirty in the morning and i've felt better but i've felt worse -------- i dont care if this is too long and disorderly and silly and rambling and pseudo-intellectual i dont care what you think i dont care i know i'm capable but i have no motivation
oh God i hate the night when i'm alone in this quiet and every part of me is screaming and i just want the protection of being little again but i know i've been abandoned because i'm older and i should be able to fend for myself now God doesn't punish babies you know. just because they're too cute. how many people will i let in and how many people will be able to stay here will i die having only revealed myself to two people?
---- because of my father, because of his mother, because of a genetic defect, because of God
on the island as a child i'd sell popsicles in my bathing suit and bare feet and i didnt speak a word of tagalog the elders would bless me by offering their hands which i would lightly touch to my forehead on the island when it rained we stepped outside to look up to the sky and dance then we'd come inside for the fried banana that my aunt and grandmother prepared i love Lola she was a strong woman. and i wish i had gotten to know her better. she loved her husband and he loved her, in the old fashioned unquestioning way on the island we were never fully dressed and you could hear the ocean everywhere the fish market was loud and smelly in the morning it was alive, and the fish slaughter made it moreso at night, we'd run across the old cathedral, it was empty and abandoned but somehow it made it seem more sacred, i'd hold my breath when we ran in front of it i was afraid but it was thrilling too then we'd plop down inside a small video store (if you could call it that), it was a dimly lit wooden stand, you could hear the cheap neon lights buzzing as you browsed through the unorganized collection of pirated tapes then we'd all have fish as a family a loud family a messy family we'd later watch the tapes with full bellies and silly smiles ----------------
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