Morning 37 Ow ow owwww Twas aaall in my heeeaaad Well not all of it but a significant enough chunk to make me feel stupiiiid And resentfuuuul And not good enoooough And saaaad Ow ow owwwww I hate making healthy decisions instead of distracting myself with seeex And morphing into an Arab dude's fantasy and settling to fit into Egyptian societyyyy at laaarge/to get validation and confuse it for looove From a not self aware misogynist who is self aware enough to mask it to fit into Australian society at laaaarge I hate grown up dating, I haaaate iiiit But I'm proud of myself And I made him see what he was doing and exactly how it hurt me by communicating sincerely and with kindness He understood, he agreed He's finally mature enough to see it and let me go It's maddening How much distress would I have saved if this happened in my 20s? I finally got through He still doesn't get it completely but at least he'll let me go for now 23 year old Sarah would be so impressed 23 year old Sarah would be devastated to understand her shitty, shitty choices It hurts and I'm sad And history is going to repeat itself because I'm going to move on I'm freakishly buoyant and I always move on And it will be the end of May He'll call and say, hey I'm here, let's get coffee And I'll say of course! And I'm going to have the confidence and joie-de-vivre of being completely over him And he's going to think I'm very, very shiny It will bother him He will make an overture But this is where I have to change the script, just like I changed it now Instead of resenting it, I respond immediately I gush-- I love you, let's talk about living together He freaks out I say, yeeeaaah youre feeling emotional whiplash right now, aren't you? He protests, I say it's okay and he stops being defensive He becomes silent, confused by my psychic ability/ basic emotional awareness You know why Ozzy? Cause you don't actually want me to love you, you old-skool Arab man The only agency you'll allow me is withdrawing or receiving Because you don't see me as a human As your friend and as a human--you adore me, half of the interests and hobbies on your profile are my direct influence, so many of your mannerisms too You are constantly drawn to me whenever you're in crisis because you trust and respect me But when it comes to being in a relationship with me, you don't see that You see me as a wamman, a feeeemale Your programming takes over and you'll always, always recoil when I love you back And in the past you wouldn't question yourself You'd think, oh things must have changed, she must be doing something different that I need to control out of her But nothings changed in the past 10 seconds, has it Ozzy More confused silence All that's changed is that I said I love you too I'm not giving in to you, I'm a woman choosing you too I'm a woman And that will always supercede anything else in your mind and heart And I can not begin to untangle that gordian knot of a complex Not for my father, not for my brother, not for the internalised one in my sister And certainly not for you At which point I drop a microphone and walk away The stunned Ozzy realizes he needs to keep going to therapy and unpacks that moment over the course of several years Hopefully by which time I'm already in Australia If I'm attached, my heart will hurt for him and we'll be pen pals If I'm not attached, I move in with him and the sheep You all probably think I'm kidding But I'm sure this is how it will play out |