Interesting and uncomfortable (wee hours of day 8) I feel like I'm fine tuning my trigger buttons The ones which were covered in wax and moved like molasses, which allow me to cry, to say no, to bring attention to pain and other bodily sensations -- those are very fast now The ones which were hyper sensitive hair triggers-- throwing up a word wall instead of engaging emotionally, hiding and retreating, labelling and responding to threats those I'm trying really hard to slow down, it's taking a lot of emotional and mental muscle It's fucking hard This diary helps, my journals help-- word wall wants to come out So I let it come out Let it feel seen and heard Ah yes- great arguments, and well done spotting that technical error, brava! And nobody gets unnecessarily trampled in the process And I give myself a chance to listen to their hearts To listen to MY heart too So for example, I acknowledged I broke boundaries with my sister, apologised, she accepted Gave it some time She took space and initially I was going to let myself get away with it, She was retreating anyway, so what's the big deal ...I'm the big deal Eventually I wrote her, made MY boundaries known and confronted her about the constant and intense trauma dumping I didn't talk about the insomnia from the 3 am calls, or the panic attacks always expecting her almost daily hysterics... That felt like too much, I don't know if that means I'm still uncomfy with speaking up or I just know how not to be a trauma dumper myself I don't know--but I know I got the message out Hopefully it sinks in Maybe it won't, that's fine too Just means that if it happens again, I have to show up for myself in real time-- even if I get pressured by baba and my brother This is the second time I've rejected a pattern of trauma dumping from someone I deeply care about I really don't like doing this It's definitely a pattern--I used to call myself the living confessional booth And because trauma dumping is bad for the dumper as well as dumpee, in the past they'd just retreat for whatever reason I seemed snippy during the last rant I slept early I asked for help from someone else and that was violating And I'd be so relieved it was over, I didn't care if I was being painted as a villain I know doing this is basic self advocacy but it feels horrible Just yuck I used to think the end of this mental health development path was -- woohoo, taking up space, confetti, basking in the power emanating from my glowing baby zen skin But a lot of it is breathing through ew emotions, and still being resented -just for more accurate reasons Sometimes it's surprising Like with Oz You unlock a whole new side of people Not new, just new to you An old/new side of yourself too Strange, quiet and somehow very confident |