It's my birthday He loves me too Well, I knew that already The new bit is that we're talking about it And it's terrifying Of course Terrified is good? Oh wait, no judgment Um um It feels like I can't fully breathe in I'm energized and more patient And it's nice not to fight the tic I've had for nearly two decades where I say his name ... You'd think that would be a give away Nope. I notice that I'm annoyed with myself because I feel safer approaching this now that he's far away Aaand I say to that, I say That's okay, Sarah It's okay It's okay to be afraid and want a safe perimeter, Even if it's 14 270 kilometers 8 867 miles (rounded up) 8 hours in the future It's valid and it is ooo kaaay He told me he found out he's on the spectrum And I laughed without explaining why THAT'S FUNNY And then Oh no, no no no--I meant me too-- the 'tism, me too Oh god ... A conversation with lots of scrambling, out of care and concern and so much terror Conversation? I don't know, mostly blurting out things at each other with very awkward timing We're both desperate to info dump I get it now So silly And I'm happy Happy birthday to me To him too, well, belated (his birthday is my birthday flipped) Does everybody in this diary get coupled off? I'll take requests You have a really good chance if you're a north african bird I saw him hand feed a bird before Like a disney princess Ugh So cute Ugh Sometimes I just want to bubble wrap him Or circle him with salt Pat pat, you're safe now, safe from all the bad things and safe from meee and then I just walk away, free to decompose at leisure Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to be the bubble wrap and salt And he's my bubble wrap and salt And what's infuriating is I know he thinks the exact same way And he feels the same way Hyper vigilant for an excuse to run We can't stop running and we can't stop looking back You're okay back there, right? Fucking Newton's cradle This time I'll breathe and go slow We're older now, life and grief humbled us Just breathe and go slow |