Killing demons A common message in old folk tales is that the way to have power over demons is to speak their names And there's that adage, the first step to solving a problem is to admit you have one If you've been in therapy for a long time, you know that those first years are just about seeing things for what they are-- and that part alone is incredibly difficult Trauma and abuse breathe in shadows and suffocate in the light I couldn't say the word rape for years It bubbled out of me one day and it sounds strange, but it surprised me I couldn't see abusive behavior as abusive behavior because it came from loved ones And it often comes from loved ones, from very charming, sometimes kind, deeply broken people People aren't Disney villains-- I mean even Disney villains have become anti-heroes now It's complex, and no I'm not justifying it because I've been brainwashed-- it can be unacceptable and also complex Brain washing, gas lighting is so insidious because even when you become intellectually aware of the situation, you don't want to face it Facing it means acknowledging loss, feeling like an idiot, taking responsibility for your own part in it and generally, the sudden need to take action when you don't have the self esteem to function on your own much less take on confrontation that in many instances leads to self imposed isolation And because of the way our emotional brains work, patterns get repeated and we have to go through it all over again, sometimes with better tools, sometimes with more fear I don't remember who said the things we fear the most have already happened to us-- that's been very true for me It's not this neat cathartic euphoric process at all For me theres some relief, but it's messy and there isn't always closure There isnt always a way to express or to be heard Not by sad men who fetishise my rage Or people who hate themselves so much it's a break for them to externalize it and I happen to be the easiest pawn to poke And if you don't become abusive yourself or a Karen or an obnoxious person on an airplane-- then a lot of it is asking what to do with all this valid anger? I guess lots of shadow work and unsent letters, Saying Rumplestiltskin That helps Perspective helps too, if you can fight your way to it, machete away vines in the ego jungle and be lucky enough to stumble into a clearing "In a lifetime, what does it matter" I zoom out, way out And I see their parents and their parents' parents I see the ones who I tortured myself about who later faded into obscurity I find that really comforting That permanence isn't real ‐‐‐---------- Today I name K I dub thee, bully A bully who was bullied by her mama, among others, it's true You yelled at me in the kitchen with the same words she yelled at you I wasn't hurt, I was incredulous The same words? You don't hear it? You didn't come to my mama's funeral I thought you were religious/liked her? Or was that only when you were telling her about my abortion? She told me every time you called, you know. She was proud of her drone. And because I don't have the guile to hide things, your information wasn't very useful. Sometimes when she wanted me home more, she'd tell me you're sneaky. In rare moments of capitulation (not really) you would say you were worried you were na7s/a curse or a jinx to me All the bad things that happened around you, all the bad things you did to me were just...magic-- this bad joojoo out of nowhere Not your envy, not your gossip, not your lies or megalomania I still see the pained pinch in your eyes on your posters You met the right people, the right rich girls with the right entertainment connections So why aren't you happy? Why aren't you enough now K? Did the "pick me" material not gel with the new feminist marketing? I hope you get everything you want Fame, glory, control It's mean, but I hope you get everything you want |