My body wants to be a monkey I feel as though I've been held hostage by my uterus since I was 12 Doc says we're taking a break from the hormone meds Waiting for my period to come back It's taking longer than expected I wonder if I'm done Well not done, if I'm starting early menopause Can't be done I never thought I'd pay for therapy to figure out how to be in my own body When I was little, I was a monkey I climbed trees, I stood on my bicycle seat, I ran up slides, I jumped off of swings--sometimes I was a fish, I'm still a decent swimmer I was that kid who hung upside down on the monkey bars during recess I remember seeing one of the older middle school girls running, she was well developed and her boobs were violently bouncy I was horrified I didnt want to get oppressive restrictive future flesh bags Although I'm certainly not athletic-- My parents were athletes, baba boxed, mama did volleyball, my sisters a terrific runner My brother isn't very into sports but he was built lean so it was generally accepted to be his choice When I wasn't in a pool I was clumsy, sure I liked to play but my knees and elbows were always scraped And I was always pudgy Puberty made me pudgy in the right places And being an Arab girl in the 90s/noughties, my concerns about mobility were soon overshadowed by all the other societal restrictions that came with the boobs And now I'm a childless and self aware queer person in possible early menopause Paying a therapist to teach me to be friends with my body So many exhausting layers of body My nose for example The first part I befriended was my nose I did that on my own When I was little my mother used to put a clothes peg on the tip of it Because I was the one born with the most Asian looking nose I have a nose bridge which mama often said was celebrated by my Filipino family when I was inspected as a newborn But the end of it isn't pointy like my siblings So I spent most of my childhood thinking I had a potato on my face I probably would've kept thinking that if I grew up in East Asia But enough Americans and Arabs told me my nose was actually very small and buttony When I started doing portraiture my professor asked me why I always start with the nose I didn't even realise I started drawing my nose on other people I think Mama learned to love her nose watching me love my nose That's me yawning/screaming above, uni times I was very busy and excited in uni I was friends with a bunch of artists Every other day was a film screening or a protest or an exhibition or a concert Once I fainted halfway through a concert at the park It was during the intermission My friend says I was very polite about it I tapped her shoulder and said "Sorry I think I'm going to faint" And I watched her laughing face fade away in this literally blinding white light that turned black She says I crumpled onto my knees They carried me onto the hood of a car and somebody had very strong saudi cologne which I can tell you will do in a pinch for smelling salts She was above me saying "I thought you were joking what the fuck" We figured out I had forgotten to eat for two days And two of the nice popular guys who were very happy to be heroes bought us shawermas I learned that I forget about bodily functions when I'm happy I do try to be kind to my body Omega 3, consoling pats and various lotions, really really good stretches I try to quit smoking all the time, sometimes even while I'm smoking, I'll watch videos that guarantee I'll never want another cigarette again My mama died of a lung condition, which I probably have She told me to quit in the ICU and it haunts me And I do want to quit There's another rat experiment (see past entries to learn about rat utopia and behavioral sinks) They gave caged rats heroin water and clean water, they got addicted to the heroin and died BUT But --later they made another rat experiment but this time created a wonderland, lots of fun activities and more importantly other rat companions And again they offered the heroin water and regular water, no rats overdosed, they didn't get addicted They had connections and stimulation I want that, when I say I want to quit, I mean that I want to love and be loved And I also want to be a monkey again (And occasionally a fish, but I've got that part down in the summers) |