people who can't love and people whom I love Profoundly broken people are obsessed with being right They measure their goodness by how often, in their estimation, they're better than someone else They're scared that there might be something wrong with them They're terrified They're so terrified that they can't admit it to themselves They're convinced, on a visceral level, that they'll die if they give in to sadness, to loneliness Fear is default. It doesn't register as fear. It's motivation, to do something to contain it They have bad dreams They have addictions They work hard to get admiration and love They think that love is to have power over someone They collect it And it's never enough When they don't get it from you, they feel angry, because they took the time to figure out what you want They performed for you They think you're ungrateful If the things you want are material you might not notice that you've been duped That the love and admiration you've expressed is all they care about That you're being milked If what you want is real intimacy If you see their fear If you love them anyway They won't believe it They'll feel you duped them, they'll feel they lost at their own game There are people who can't be healed by love They're too scared-- and sometimes, even if they become braver, they can't bear the thought of all the things they've done out of fear And instead of just being angry at losing their game, they begin to hate everyone who didn't play I know it's an uncomfortable thought, but some people are better off coddled and insecure than aware and violent I know it's an uncomfortable thought that love doesn't conquer all But only sometimes Sometimes they get caught by the right wind at an inflection point Sometimes isn't good enough for my friend. He finds this deeply offensive He thinks there has to be hope for everyone or that means there's no hope for anyone I love him so much Strangers would think he's a masochist My best friend is more pragmatic She knew all this intuitively She's not curious about why or how other people tick, not in the abstract She doesn't have the time to observe any ticking Both my friends are wounded. He's searching outside and she's searching inside. I relate to both of them. I used to be like him, I'm more like her now. I'm still interested in how and why but I'm not emotionally invested anymore Okay that's not true I still get sad but I can recognize mirages now I have debates, projection or inflection She always catches them out quicker though, the too far gone ones I think her subconscious sounds like a tuning fork and mine sounds like AM radio I always have to prove it She likes my reports, she reacts like I told her where the rabbit in the magician's hat grew up and how he feels about being a show bunny I love her more than anyone in the world I'm so lucky When I was younger I didn't think that loving someone is so rare and so hard I didn't know that loving someone and being able to let them love you for who you are is a privilege I didn't know how much people can suffer without it |