Awww thinking of yooou (YOU FUCKING JERK) Who sends a fucking email I feel so worthless And humiliated And angry And he's doing paperwork and gaming on his playstation Telling himself he did his best and it really breaks his heart (not enough to pick up the damn phone but nooo that would be risky, I expressed disapproval and for once cant fawn, and for once i cant apologize for all the ways I'm an asshole so he *considers* owning up to his faults too, probably only verbally, maybe he'll have a chat about it later that he'll neglect to tell me of -because I'm supposed to be the mind reader, but resenting having to ask him to avoid people who were demonstrably cruel to me is like demanding TELEPATHY and infringing on his FREEDOM) He'll console himself with his confidence that he put in the utmost effort, as he orders some bike mirrors online to reward himself And he'll milk Sady for as long as he can from his family because he couldn't possibly have been wrong about anything and Sarah's emotional and therefore weak and unstable I'm leaving this country and infantilized men and women And I'm fucking Because I don't believe in that line, especially when it starts to feel like I'm selling it in a contract, especially when we're crossing a lot of other lines, and I never did believe in it aaand he knew that But what does it matter what I want I'm a woman and I should give the gift of my love without pride like his (unconditional?!) Mama I'm good for keeping it in and respecting his beliefs but I'm bad if at any point I ask him to respect mine There's no way he acknowledges any emotional labor on my part (he probably doesnt know the term) All he sees is I was sad and irrational and it's not his fault and that makes him uncomfy and feel bad and that's not fair and anyway it's not like he checked out, he actually came and sat! Resentfully! And used it to explain why he needed more time off Well I offered when I saw he felt bad So it's really my fault for not writing a To-do list for him so he knows when to put in work I'm tired of apologizing for my feelings and desires I want to fuck a bi hippy type who understands drag lingo and knows who marina abramovic is and foucault and who isnt going to pretend promise he values independence And who isnt then going to tell me when I'm squishy, when I thought he made a romantic gesture by staying here like turning down some big job (which never was), that he won't date me long distance, that its unrealistic we'll be together unless I temporarily move back for appearances sake Who wont promise me it's temporary and who won't go back on saying "living upstairs is a nightmare" Who won't stay quiet when his mother and sister break my boundaries, actually he even encouraged that because... because i wasnt a bitch? I guess Until it was too much And I was a bitch He has trouble making boundaries too, but he said he feels safe with me, knowing I'll "never take advantage" Just let that sink in for a minute-- Dont ever take advantage of my kindness Who Actually Says That ... I guess guys do And sarcastic actors in porn scenes He said our paths will cross if we're meant to be Um thats cute but I'm not a gypsy woman rubbing crystal boobs on a camel called Fatalism Fatalism! Something I've noticed he's a fan of when effort is required I'm not holding my breath--but feel free to hold yours dude |