The theme I feel like this diary is turning into relationship advice I give myself Kundera said there is an unspoken unwritten contract at the beginning of each relationship I am a fangirl of Kundera But I talk talk talk talk And I am not a fan of the unspoken contract at all I became a film student because as a young behbeh growing up in isolation in saudi, tv had all the answers And I realized all drama stems from one thing Nobody ever says a damn thing to anybody Nobody says hi I'm jealous right now, oops I fucked up, maybe I should ask people about my murderous rage And thats all well and good for some beautiful art But I've had enough unnecessary conflict in my life and I found a chatty boy who felt the same way Let me say this It dont matter if he is an angel who fell from a pink cloud and you connected in a fairytale It dont matter if you have the best intentions and you promise to keep it one hundred 24/7 Sometimes you're going to feel problems before you articulate them, sometimes you're going to be scared to articulate them You will miss each other Big time clustersex stylee Sometimes one of you will be stuck and all the other one can do is hold your hand in the quicksand And if you aren't constantly reevaluating If you arent willing to understand all the intimate ways in which you are a royal fuck up Dont you even think about putting a ring on it No Beyoncé for you Some (far from pro) tips: - SAY IT, the moment you feel its off say it, take some time to figure out how to say it and when to say it but watch CAREFULLY AF how much time you spend on something you dont communicate. In the paraphrased words of the incomparable Noni some ten years ago --Shit festers y'all - Beware of middle men, and I dont mean the narcissist friend in your life who attempted to seduce everything that moves and lied for a decade (run, just fucking run like the wind and keep all the dirt you have on them safely locked away for any potential poop, there wont be, theyre usually cowards but watch yo back). I mean the well meaning friends and family, make some damn boundaries. Know exactly what you want and what you're comfy with at any given moment. - Understand expectations. What does your partner want from you? How do they feel loved? Presents, cuddles, words? (It's probably a combination but understand percentages) What are the buttons you best not poke? How can you avoid them if something comes up in button area? - Understand capabilities. Yours as well. What are your buttons? What can not and will not fly? Keep that poop grounded. Communicating what you want and what you can and can not do is on you. You did something that wasn't expected of you and it hurt you? Oh well, you messed up and only you can fix it. - Make some code words-- a word for I'm tired right now, a word for I have something to say and I need you to listen-- create your own language together - In laws and fambly, guuuurl. Tread lightly. They can be sweet, they can be understanding, they can be adorable- and their good intentions can make you lose your damn mind. This again goes back to boundaries but in addition let me add, discuss those boundaries with bae. Doesn't matter if you put up a wall when your partner doesn't see it or even understand it. If you don't explain that to continue doing something you'd like to do, you cant feel obligated to do it -- guess what? - The patriarchy. This is only going to apply to people with conservative families/the third world/women. You will feel like shit. You will feel like you are an extra in mad men. Your body will feel scrutinized-- old people who said nothing but 'sex is bad mmkay' your whole life will pressure you about lingerie, and your weight,and your pubes. People will openly discuss how good you ought to be at chores, how to accomodate mister husband man's schedule, how the babies you arent planning on having IN YOUR BODY anytime soon, should be raised. Are you a shopper? Pick the shiny thing that accurately reflects your worth and upholds your family's honor while not appearing greedy and demanding. How much is the cow in the event of a divorce? Everyone will judge you at the wedding you didnt want and many will think you're fat. The fucking dress. Roles. Death to roles. I am not wifey. I'm Sarah. - Get ready for some big booty compromises and your pride taking a beating. Make sure your partner is willing to take a beating too (I'm not saying engineer that shit, if thats how you think, no Beyoncé for you). Doesn't matter how much your vision of the future synced -- you will have to give at some point, leading up to it, maybe during. Understand they was some rose tinted glasses you had on -- keep that vision but dont be inflexible. Because you're cheating yourself, maybe there is (a truckload of) unanticipated poop but there is a flip side. There are qualities you didn't know he had, there are breaks you didnt know you'd get - "Do not lose sight of the ball". I mixed idioms and now he's going to troll me about it forever. I said in the last point, keep your rose tinted vision. Don't forget what you're working towards when it gets heavy. This is the hardest one. He's sooo good at it, it's almost infuriating sometimes how cute and positive he is and lord knows I need it. What helps me remember is flirting :) Look at how pretty he is, tell him what you respect and admire about him -- and we both joke, always, even and especially when it's inappropriate. We love each other's smiles and even when I'm so scared we might not make it through, if we can smile at the end of a conversation I know we're okay and I remember every time he smiled and why I love him - Hold hands. So many times you wont have the words. So many times you'll be livid -- but you'll still be in love. You'll be too proud and too hurt to say it but if you're like me -- maybe you can still poke out a hand and squish it. Do not underestimate the power of tiny tiny affection. For me, and I suspect for everyone to some extent--that's what feeling loved amounts to. Tiny tiny added up moments of affection. Did you eat? There's stuff on your face I'll get it. Hand squish hand squish hand squish. |