The things I'd say if at any point you demonstrated you had a heart I've been reading up on lies They're a fundamental part of human nature And the best liars believe their own lies Aaand that's still lying And it's still damaging And it's 6 in the morning and I can't sleep I can't confront the person who lied to me directly It's complicated I'll just say this I trusted you when I was most vulnerable Do you understand that? Do you know that? I would've stuck by you I wouldn't have hurt you like you've clearly been hurt And I don't want to do it now I didn't even mention what you did to me until it ate at my core and now I'm a fucking raw nerve I didn't say a word even with all the loaded questions, even with all the passive aggressive comments Even after you added insult upon insult upon injury while I was LITERALLY on the street I just wanted you to eventually be true Not even nice not even apologetic I wanted to prove to you that I wasn't trying to take anyone or anything from you I lied to myself and to the person I want to marry because I didn't want you to be what you seem to determined to be And when I finally fessed up to him I just found out more lies Why? What made you treat me like someone trying to fight you? Because of you I feel like I've learned nothing I feel like I can't trust the nose on my face And because of you I keep waiting for the person I love more than life itself to say it was all a big joke Or this is no longer convenient That he never really loved me I keep waiting for him to turn because I never imagined you'd turn Because he told me that it wasn't a strange thing to have good people be good to you Because his endorsement made me soft And that's when you hurt me I'm an anxious wreck because you're STILL asking loaded questions What were you thinking when we cried to each other? I slept on your mama's bed, I grew up with you, we had our confrontations but I never hated you I never took your husband's side against you, not for a second, not from the start -- and I mean the real start, I mean ancient history And even now I'm reluctant to do it despite how everything's unfolded But he's less scary Gropey, cheaty mctoucherson is less scary to me than you Because he didn't lie to me like you I wanted to give you credit for my happiness and I wanted you at my wedding I wanted you at my birthday I wanted to take you to the beach so you'd feel better I really loved you for a while And now you just make me sad I wonder if that's what you want For me to be sad and for you to be better Well I am Do you feel better? |