everything God, I'm nearly thirty. Okay, I turned 29 a month ago but I need to start working through it now. This is the longest I've been celibate. Celibate, this word means it is a difficult choice that I keep making--please do not use it to describe your dry spell I knit now. I know the inner workings of the knitting and crochet community (do not confuse the two unless you like anal, deeply repressed people with pointy needles and/or hooks, viscerally loathing you) "YAAAY I CAN DRIVE!" <--that's worn off, thank you humbling dent and every asshole on the road who feels his/her assholeyness must be expressed via killing machine on wheels I'm starting to burn out... but I still like teaching and I like that I'm doing it my way and I'm happy to let it eat my life, this is new I feel gross saying I have job fulfillment And mainly Why I'm here is, I just had a difficult conversation that I've been wanting to have for a long time A pink elephant conversation that I didnt want to instigate because however mean and fat and suffocating the pink elephant is, it's never as bad as the turd who points out what everyone already knows It was hard, and foreshadowed by a day of small failures. You know, the tiny ones that make you question whether you've earned the right to live: Oh, turns out I can't make toast-- and yet I still breathe. Like that, but in a series, forever, with a merciless audience--and no chocolate or song. I love the human bean with whom I had the conversation very much He is without doubt the best bean I have ever known And normally the one I vent to Yes, you all are substitutes. I'm sorry if that makes you feel cheap. Mainly because if that makes you feel cheap, then you're possibly a little too invested in a stranger's life and only a fraction above stalking kim kardashian (is she still relevant? I'm 30. I'm 30. I'm 30. The horror. The horror... Okay I'm done) Point is, the dilemma with the bean is, there may be a chance I'm holding him back And of course if that's the case, I'm not going to hold anyone down, least of all the best bean ever created But it's not so clear It might be that I, much like bean, feel anyone deserves better than me And also I may very well be patronizing him by assuming his decision to exist around me is less informed than mine BUT in a way it does seem less informed because he hasn't experienced as much BUT does lack of experience necessarily mean he's not capable of knowing whats best for him? And also in this case, my reasons for feeling he deserves better are not based on self esteem issues but legitimate technical problems I dont know I just want him to be happy and I'm scared poopless of preventing it in any way Also, I'm going to the beach next week Also, thank you for commenting and reading, it makes me happeh CN: The tooth is out now and I have a renewed love for chewing foods and noms DS: Present perfect is when you use "have" with the verb, like "I have eaten/pooped/cried". Fromm talks about the word have in a different way, I was just being silly :D Also I profoundly respect back hair maintenance |