how I feel about a bunch of people you don't know I want to be able to go to your funeral No I want to be able to throw myself in front of a bus and push you out of the way I feel helpless and bringing it up will just make it worse At least writing it down is relieving Which is odd-- this diary hasn't felt like an escape in such a long time Happy odd I wonder if that's how M feels when he talks to me about her I hope so I have nothing useful to say. And I don't know if I commiserate properly. I mean I do-- God I really do--but I don't know if it comes across I guess it's silly to worry about communication People can love each other with smoke signals and learn to feel nothing for each other after years of therapy I guess as long as he wants to keep talking/drinking cuba libres/film gossiping -- I can't be too awful of a friend --- --- I need new tiny goals I underestimated myself Back to the broke ass cinemas, crying over some Polish person's beautifully tragic close up I don't want love to be the only thing that makes me feel present I keep remembering Lala's line about pink people in a grey world turning grey -- I don't want to be crazed 'yes girl' and go bed hopping again Although I'm glad I talked to N and somewhere in the sex haze found point zero of the most drawn out, elaborate breakdown *of my life* (yes, I'm counting the rooftop walks and the months before leaving home) And I'm even glad about the B rollercoaster. I still can't decide if I was his collateral damage or he was mine. Probably both. Which is probably a neater ending than that whole episode deserves. I really hope he got a shrink. --- I want to be in perpetual transition. I want to be okay with T not understanding that. I want to sit down with N again and maybe just sit. I want to watch the new kid rap. And eventually go to one of A's concerts. Watch a film with M. Figure out how to love and not love Z. --- I can breathe now. Odd. Happy odd :) |